Bella Luna
by Trylynn
Summary: Set after The Cullen's leave Forks. Bella is broken beyond repair until she discovers Edward does love her but only feared for her soul. Finding Edward is impossible so she must find another to change her, even if she must risk it with Volutri. Review pls
1. Chapter 1

December

**This is Stephanie Meyer's world, I just like to live in it from time to time. **

_ Edward,_

_ Children are joyfully screaming outside my window this morning, undoubtedly enjoying their shiny new toys. Its Christmas today, the one day of the year where I use to be able to appreciate Forks miserable weather. There always use to be something so peaceful about a white Christmas morning. I wish I could feel happy about the snow today. Hell, I'd even be grateful to feel annoyed by it. You always said you couldn't bear to take away any human experiences from me love. But I stopped feeling human the day you left me. I stopped feeling anything but empty and numb. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I died on my Birthday and this is hell because my mind simply cannot grasp the idea of a world existing where you don't love me anymore. That is why I am keeping this journal now, writing to you just to make sure I stay aware of what is in fact reality. I am alive, alive in a world without you because you don't love me anymore. I will accept this for you love, because I want nothing but for you to be happy. So wherever you are please, please, be enjoying life. _

The smell of burning bacon was wafted up into my room at an alarming rate. _Charlie_. He had been through so much these past few months, few years really. I just haven't been able to hide my pain very well, always such a terrible liar even when the lie was so vitally important. He was going to send me away soon, I could feel it coming. Though leaving Forks may not be such a bad idea for me, I know it would only hurt Charlie even more. He would feel as a failure of a father for the second time in his life. But none of this was his fault, it was me who wasn't good enough for my Edward. At the very least I am going to be a good enough daughter.

It was time to put on my happy face, Charlie was truly making an effort this year with the holidays, I even over heard him telling Renee that he was going to "cheer me out of the Cullen Coma." I would just have to play the part at least for today. Giving my letter once last lingering touch, I closed the red leather binding and went to rescue breakfast.

"Merry Christmas sweetheart" Charlie choked to me through a greasy cloud of smoke. "I... uh... might have over done the bacon a little, so hows about I make pancake instead?" It was hard to see his face through the thick haze in the kitchen, but I could imagine the grimace that most certainly was painted on it. Charlie was not innately domestic, sentimental, or even very social for that matter. He was completely out of his element, trying to be what he thought I needed him to be.

"Morning dad" I said reaching over the sink to open the window. The fridge breeze quickly assaulted my face sending chills down my spin. "You really don't have to do that. I... actually had planned on make you breakfast today anyway." _First lie of the day_.

"Awh Bells, its Christmas I wanted to make something for you for a change." Charlie sighed.

"Come on Dad don't take away one of my planned gifts to you. I was going to make stuffed french toast, just like we had the last time I was home for Christmas." _Lie number two, how am I thinking of these so quickly now? Maybe I am getting better at this._ "Just go relax, isn't there a game on soon?"

"Bells its 8 am on Christmas morning, there is no game on." Charlie said defeatedly. "But, if your sure... I mean if you had already planned on.. I...I wouldn't mind watching some of the Parade." He walked over and awkwardly kissed my forehead, "stuffed french toast sounds wonderful." He was dragging his feet on the way into the den.

_Of course there is not any game on TV this early Bella, there is that awful liar you know. I am going to have to do better then that._ I waited until I could hear the low mummer of the TV. I believe it was Regias Philmen introducing none other then "Mr. Micky Mouse himself." You could always count on Charlie to zone out in front of the TV when there was any uncomfortable situations to avoid. _Thankfully._ Now I could focus about the task at hand, without feeling the burn of watchful, worried eyes on me. I set about cracking the eggs and gave my mind over to the tedious tasks, it was a welcomed break.

"Wow Bells" Charlie beamed, "I don't know where you got this cooking gene from but the whole house smells wonderful."

_Really, _I thought, _it doesn't smell very appetizing to me. _

We sat around the table in awkward silence while eating. Until I got up and clicked on the radio, hoping a little Christmas music might distract Charlie from his new burning need to hold meaningful conversations with me. I truly missed how we use to be able to sit in comfortable silence together, back when Charlie understood me better, when I understood myself better too. Picking up my fork, I a long gooey string of boysenberry syrup ooze down onto my finger. It reminded me of my ill fated 18th birthday party- the day my clumsiness finally found a way to truly destroy my life.

"ahem... Bells are you in there?" Charlie said waving his hands in front of my face.

"yeah... dad sorry I uh just got lost inside the music its really... soothing." I quickly replied.

Charlie roughly squinted his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah I guess... well, hey I forgot to tell you we have been invited over Harry's for Christmas dinner so uh your off the hook for cooking tonight."

"Oh yeah... great we... er I could really use a night out, thanks Dad." _Great, It really was going to be a very long day._


	2. Chapter 2

**This is Stephanie Meyer's world, I just like to live in it from time to time. **

January

Edward

You seem to have taken more then just my heart when you left, you also stole my sanity. I am seeing you now, and even though I know its not real, it still makes my stomach flip in excitement. But this morning there is a different man causing my stomach to twist and turn. His name is Jack Daniels and h was a awful rebound date Edward, all he wanted to do is remind me of you. I wonder what you would think about me being drunk on New Years Eve. Let me tell you imaginary Edward wasn't too happy about the situation. Though I supposed you could care less what I do with myself now. Last night was definitely a mistake though. Charlie had insisted I go out to the party at La Push "its time to be a normal teenager Bells go have some fun blah blah blah." I don't know what made me accept that first drink from Jacob, I guess I just thought it would loosen me up ya know? Make it easier to keep up this facade. Now, its not Jacob's fault of course. Jacob is a lot of fun, and I'm sure he didn't expect me to drink more then one... SIX! I remember six full drinks and then everything goes black. I don't even know how I got back home! But still the first foggy thoughts that entered my eyes this morning were of distress at the fact that you didn't come to stop me. Edward what have you done to me? I don't know who I am an...

"Knock, knock, knock" there was a tap at my window and my heart instantly stopped. I couldn't get out of bed fast enough, but as I got closer to the window a wave of vertigo reigned down upon me. _Right alcohol and uncoordinated Bells not a great combination_ I thought as I took a second to regain composure. Just then the window slowly opened and letting, sweeping chilling disappointment in with the wind. _Jacob Black. How in the hell did Jacob Black climb up to my window. _

"Morning lush" he laughed. "I thought you may be in need of a little Quileutes magic medicine" he said holding up a small glass bottle. He looked glorious standing there towering over me, muscle upon muscle. He had really filled out since I moved her last year the Quileutes must really have some kind of magic medicine because no one would even suspect Jacob was younger then me now. He opened the cork with he teeth and handed me the bottle giving me his best devilish grin. "Just toss it back, it sure tastes funny but it will clear that hangover of yours right up" he laughed. Any other woman in the world would be thrilled to have this tall dark and handsome man taking caring of her, but I was just annoyed.

Ever since I had ran into Jacob at Christmas dinner Jacob had been buzzing around me almost every day it seemed. He was always exceedingly nice though- too nice in fact. The whole thing reeked of Charlie, he was desperate to find distractions for me and he loved the idea of me cozying up to a Quileute boy. Poor Jacob was probably being bribed to show such interest in me, for there was no other conceivable reason why he would want to- like Edward, Jacob was way out of my league.

"No thanks Jacob, I don't need anyone's help." "You shouldn't of come here, I already told you that I'm too busy to hang out most days" I sighed at him, pushing the bottle back into his hand. This caused Jacob to sadly smile but did not totally deter him. Sitting down on the bed, he placed the bottle on my night stand.

"Well you don't look busy today" he laughed, cocking his head to the side and smiling larger at me. His eye caught sight of my journal then though, which immediately caused his face to harden. "Then again, I guess it can be easy to lose track of time when one is wallowing over worthless piles of..."

"JACOB BLACK just who do you think you are passing judgments on me. You know nothing about me or my friends so don't you dare say anything badly about them." I screamed as I snatched closed the book so forcefully it caused a breeze to rustle his hair. "You are just a child incapable of understanding the things I am going through so would you please just go find something to do that is more up your alley... like...like scurrying around those back country trails with your snowmobile" I added for good measure.

We were both silent then. Jacob staring at the light next to my bed and playing idolly with a lose blue string on my comforter. He was obviously contemplating what his reaction should be to my rude outburst for his face was momemterilly contorted in pain. But I didn't have the ability to care right then as I was stewing in my own pile of unpleasant emotions, which included being utterly embarrassed, angry, and exhausted. Sighing, I plopped down to sit on the cold hard flood, putting my head between my legs in hopes it would lesson my dizziness.

I do not know how long we both sat there like this. But soon enough Jacob Black surprised me yet again by filling our tense silence with a jubilant chuckle. "You know what Bells going out for a snow run does sound like it would be a blast," "But I can see you will need a day to recover from all that partying last night" he continued on while still laughing. "I'll leave you to sleep it off now doll, and if you change your mind the exlicor will still be here... its full of dill and ginger and will settle your stomach." "And, then I'll pick you up in the morning, say 9 to go out for a snow day!"

Before I could protest, Jacob had hopped out the window into the big oak tree. _That insufferable pig_ I thought as I picked up my journal and chucked it at the wall next to my window. It landed with an anticlimactic thud on my carpet, sending renewed sparks of rage through me. But just as the tears begain to burn hot in my eyes, Jacob stuck his head back in and placed his hand on my cheek. It was incredibly hot.

"Oh and Bells, you may want to be careful who you drink around from now on. Luckily, if you remember, my people already know all of this town's secrets... but I wouldn't want you to cause trouble for yourself by saying something you may regret to another." "Though," he added under his breath before he swept back out the window, "I could care less what happens to those bloodsuckers."

_ WHAT HAVE I DONE?_ I thought as an unprecedented terror arose through my body. I could not remember a single thing from the party last night, but it was clear that the alcohol did not in fact block out my painful memories. Frozen where I stood I stared down at the only reminder of them Edward was unable to take away, they scar on my hand. I had blubbered about my vampire family and I don't even know how many people I told. I don't even know exactly how much I shared. I told a secret that wasn't mine to tell, I put the life of the very people I love most in danger, all because I wasn't strong enough to take a little emotional pain. _You really are worthless Bella, no wonder why he stopped loving you, he could tell you just weren't good enough. He knew you would screw up eventually. _

I knew the chunks slowly rising up from my stomach had nothing to do with my hangover this time. Alice would surely see that I broke my vow of secrecy. I could not possible imagine how much pain and disappointment this would cause them all. I would have to do as much damage control as possible in tomorrow with Jacob. _Maybe I can make them all think I am totally crazy_ I thought, but that would have been easier if I had told any other person seeing as it was Jacob who told me about Vampires in the first place.

In any case, I would have to at least try. And to do that I needed to be on top of my game and well recovered from this nagging headache. In desperation I grabbed the Jacob had left on my table and quickly emptied the contains into my mouth. The liquid was still warm from Jacob holding the bottle. It tasted oddly good for something that reminded me of pickle juice and cookies. I laid down on my cool floor and closed my eyes. In seconds I was dreaming of my Cullens, profusely apologizing as I knelt at what I thought was their feet. But as I looked up in my dream all I saw were 7 gravestones.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm still just playing around inside Meyer's world...**

**AN: Wrote this rather quickly 30,000 feet in the air on a commuter flight. Haven't had much time to read back through it yet so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have a feeling the grammer is badly off so my apologizes, hopefully I'll be able to fix it up when I get back home from holiday. This is the continuation of chapter 2, not the next chapter, (February) which will be along shortly! Thanks.**

The next morning Jacob was right on time, wearing not much other then his big goofy smile and a pair of snowboarding pants. _What is he trying to prove by dressing like that in the middle of the winter. I get it you have muscles you don't have to catch your death trying to show me that. _

_ "_Bells! Are you ready for some action" He chirped, jumping out of the bed of his pickup truck in one swift movement. When he reached my side I could see he held a small package behind his back. Slyly. He held it out to me, bowing slighting. "A peace offering for you, sort of an apology for corrupting you with hard liquor" he laughed.

"Oh don't be ridiculous Jacob, I'm perfectly fine and I don't want any presents." I muttered, pushing trying to walk around his out stretched hand. But Jacob quickly swooped around me, wrapping his free hand around my shoulder as he pulled me towards the truck.

"Ah.. well its not really a gift anyways, its just something you need for today, so you don't have to hide behind me the whole time... besides they are are and were just collecting dust around the house."

Clearly, he wasn't going to let the issue drop, I would have to open the gift. Grabbing it from his hand, I tore into the box's metallic green wrapping. Inside, nicely wrapped up in brown tissue paper, laid a pair of matte gray winter goggles, with tinted pink lens. "Oh wow I didn't realize Billy's or your favorite color was pink" I said with sarcasm.

Jacob blushed, and whispered "yeah, yeah you know you could just say thank you Bells.

"Your right, thanks Jacob its just that I don't deserve any gifts from you, and I didn't think you were serious about taking me out on the snowmobile either... we really need to talk... you know about new years eve" I stammered back to him.

This some how caused Jacob's face to beam with pleasure again, "Gee your welcome Bells, and of course we are going up the mountain today, its a new year and high time you started enjoying it." With that he skipped off to the drivers side of the truck, humming slightly to himself. It looked like I was going snowmobiling today after all. Jacob really didn't know what he was getting himself into taking me out on such a risky endeavor. I was excited though, because it probably meant my imaginary Edward would grace me with his presences, he only seemed to appear when I was acting 'reckless'.

The ride up to the snow trails was painfully unbalanced. The left side of the car was engulfed in a strange aura of carefree peace and happiness, which seemed to be radiating off of Jacob. He maneuvered the dips and turns of the road effortlessly, all the while babbling on about one thing or the other, the sun often reflecting blindingly off of his shiny black hair. Somehow Jacob seemed to be completely ignorant of the black hole of awkwardness I was being sucked into over on the right side of the car.

_An entire day alone with Jacob Black. No, an entire day alone, preforming coordinated physical activities with Jacob Black. Not only are you going to embarrass, or possible kill, yourself, but you are also going to give poor Jacob the wrong idea. _I could feel my heart racing uncomfortably, and was glad, for once, to not be in the company of someone who would be able to hear it. _But you had to come here today, damage control was totally necessary your not going to let anything risk your hurting the Cullen... though you really should have a talk with Charlie about what he is doing to Jacob, its not right. _

"Ja...Jake" I said, interrupting him in the middle of some one sided conversation he was happily having. "I didn't forget that you ignored what I said back there. I... I thank you for the gift and the.. uh.. outing but we do really need to talk..."

Jake frowned slightly before giving a noticeably fake chuckle. "Its not that critical Bella, you didn't tell us anything we didn't already know..."

"No Jake" I interjected, a little too loudly, "I need to know exactly what it is I said and did last night, I need to know... everything."

He was silent now, contemplating something that caused his face to look oddly old and tense. Finally, the black hole had infected both sides of the car. "tssssss" he blew air through his clenched teeth and turned to look at me. "You know, you really outta relax." But if your so concerned about it you could always just tell me everything you know now, and I'll let you know if you add anything new this time" he said with a devilish grin. "But you should get on with it now, we are getting pretty close and I'm sure the rest of the boys would rather not hear this sad story again."

I had never felt more exasperated then I did in that moment, Jake was acting as if he was the one with a secret to hide. _Immature, irresponsible, unhelpful... why can't he just make this easy _I fumed to myself as I squinted out the window, the sun was reflecting off of the snow covered trees, making them sparkle not unlike how my Edward would shine in the sun. It was so much harder for me to protect the Cullen's but I had to try, they always looked out for me.

Jake turned off of the main road and started making a slow bumpy trek up the mountain, causing my brain to knock around inside my head. It was a nice distraction from the anger and worry I had been consumed with. And it must have caused me to make an amusing face because Jake could not seem to stifle his laughter at me. "Ah, Bells no one would ever guess you were actually born in Forks, what has those Phoenix folks done to you" he chuckled. "Just relax and let let your body flow with the road and you won't feel it as much."

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" I replied. I was surprised to hear laughter inside my own voice. It was a foreign sound to me now, and it sounded very nice. As we approached a small green cabin, Jake intentionally jerked the truck hard to the left, causing me to slide across the bench seat into Jake's hard shoulder. A strange eeeeking noise fell out of my mouth. The truck erupted with laughter, full blown side stitching laughter.

"Whats so funny vampire girl?" Sam said as he opened the passenger side door.

My laughter immediately halted. "Wha what did you just say?" I asked, glaring at Jacob who still wore a huge smirk on his face.

"Well, I didn't say anything. Sam over there, he called you Vampire girl" Jacob replied with a stifled laugh that caused his voice to sound rough and scratchy. "But I think that was rather uncreative, I much prefer Vampella."

It was hard to hear the groups laughter over the incessant beating of my own heart. _They all know, every last one of them. _I was finding it increasingly harder to breath and I could feel the sting of my own traitorous tears threatening to overtake the little control I had let. I didn't even notice when they all stopped laughing until I felt four set of concerned eyes bearing down on my face.

"Jesus Bella your so pale, please come down its all in good fun." Jacob said genuinely worried.

"yeah vamp... I mean Bella, really we all make mistakes sometimes. Yours just happened to be getting hoodwinked but a family of bloodsuckers." Sam added."Who, thankfully realized they had out worn their welcome, so who cares! And we are more then willing to fill in the gaps in your newly freed up schedule" he added warmly.

_Can they really feel this way, so unconcerned with the fact that all their old wise tales are actually true? Did they already know everything before I opened my big fat mouth? What..._

Just then a huge slushy wad of snowball cleared all thoughts from my head as it crashed into my temple. It was outrageously cold, and yet somehow felt wonderful. Little Quin peaked out from behind two awaiting snowmobiles, with a second round of frozen ammo in hand.

"Don't you dare do that again" I scolded with attempted intensity. But his only answer was to slightly flick his wrist, sending the snowball straight into my forehead. It was even musher then the first, his hand having unusally melted the frozen snow into a goopy mess. Icy water trickled all down my face, plastering my dark hair over my eyes. And yet I could hear that same odd noise I heard in Jacob's truck again. The sound of my own laughter.

Jumping up, I charged over to Quin and tackled him into the snow, effectively starting the great snow battle of the modern world. For hours the five of us ran, jumped, played, and pumpled each other with one snowball after another. Until I felt my lungs burning from exhaustion and finially plopped down on the ground in defeat. Jacob quickly trotted over and whispered "See Bells no need to worry here, just like I told ya. We are sorta a fun bunch of guys are we not?" He ran away, jumping on Sam's back before I could answer.

But Jake was right, I didn't need to worry about these boys knowing my secret and that realization made me feel so much lighter and free. _There is someone you can talk to now Bella, or at the very least, you have found a few decent distractions of your own _I thought as I laid back down to stare at the passing clouds.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER**

**This is Meyer's world I just live in it. **

**February**

_Edward_,

_ We are into the dead of winter now, the point where snow seems to be forever encased in a thick crust of ice, no longer soft and fluffy. It is When even "normal" people seem to start to share my abhorrence towards the cold. For a while there, even Jessica was walking around school in a bubble of resentment. I hate to see anyone depressed, but I have to admit it was nice to not be noticeable anymore. _

_ But of course even the weather couldn't ward off the other's excitement over the upcoming dreadful dance. I cannot even stand to think of it, but it looks as if I'll have no choice in the matter: I am going to have to go to this Godforsaken dance. Otherwise I risk reignited Charlies concerned suspicions, which may lead him to try and send me away again. _

_ You see, I've been very successful these past few months in calming those concerns of his. It seems I have mastered the art of trickery fairly fast, though I feel badly to lie to him, it is for his own good. Charlie thinks I am "back from the brink" as he likes to say. Its good that he is happy again, and his peace of mind has given me back my freedom. He no longer feels the need to stalk my every move. In fact, he is even going ice fishing this weekend. He's happy, so its easy to rationalize my constant lying to him. _

_ But there is no excuse for what I am doing to Jacob Black. Oh my Edward, you would be so ashamed of the person I have become, maybe you could see the true me and that is why you left. I am a terribly selfish person Edward, I am using a poor sweet young boy. I am using him shamelessly and I have no plans on ever stopping. Since I started hanging out with him to appease Charlie, life has become somewhat simpler. Besides from making Charlie back off, Jake has helped make life without you bearable. He seems to understand the importance of keeping me busy. Together we have rode snowmobiles, four wheelers, and motorcycles. We explored an abandoned cave, and even went all the way down to Harlow to check out the Bennantion's haunted house. There is something about him that is different from other boys, different from other people in general. With him its easy to be me because he doesn't try to change me at all, and him and his tribe already knew of you Edward. He is the only person in the world that makes me feel even 1/10th of the person I use to feel like. _

_ But I know he is falling for me. I know he thinks one day he will be able to heal me all up and I will love him instead of you. Of course, that is never going to happen, so I know I should stop spending time with Jake for his own sake. I'm not strong enough to give up my one piece of sanity and I really wouldn't be able to stand the dance with out him by my side. I will just have to be more careful to make it quite clear that friendship is a far as it goes with us._

_ Its important to me to let you know that about Jake. That I'm not, and will not ever be in love with another like I love you. I know you don't care, I know that you don't feel that way anymore. But nevertheless I just needed to be clear... _

* * *

My hand was starting to cramp from writing so vigorously. It had been weeks since I felt this strong of a need to explain myself to Edward. Not that he would ever read this, though I always held the slightest of hopes that Alice could see me letters in a vision. _Alice, sweet tiny little Alice, _I thought as images of her bobbing around the school halls, unfathomably bubbly and happy started to replay in my head. The loss of Edward was not the only devastation in my life, I also lost the only real friend I had ever had. Her beauty was a thing of wonderment, always radiating from both inside and out. I often had wondered if she didn't have a little of Jasper's talents too because it seemed to be impossible not feel joy when in her presences.

I squinted hard as I tried to focus on the shiny red numbers of my alarm clock. All this reading and writing in the dark was taking a real toll on my eye sight. Slowly, the red blobs started to form into the numbers _6:42. T_here would be no sleep again for me tonight. Sighing, I reached over and clicked off the alarm, which was set to go off in a few minutes. It was time to face another day in high school hell.

* * *

As I pulled my roaring truck into school, I could see that I had somehow missed timed my arrival. The parking lot was only half full, and I could see a few clusters of newly arrived students socializing gleefully. Usually, I tried to make it to school with only minutes, if not seconds to spare. It was just easier to be able to slip into class without having to engage in any forced conversations. Those awkward encounters usually only left me feeling exhausted and the other unlucky person offended. But avoiding the world was going to prove rather difficult this time.

I reached into my glove box and pulled out my old music player that had been sitting there waiting for me ever since the Edward had left. _Maybe with these on I can pretend to not hear anyone if they try to talk with me_ I though shoving the buds into my ears and throwing the base back in the glove box. Music only seemed to be a painful reminder of all them. I got out of the truck, tucked my head down and concentrated on putting on foot in front of the other. It felt as if the few slippery yards I had to travel was actually an endless frozen desert. For some reason each small careful step I made appeared to take me no closer to the large glass door I longed to escape into. I held my breath as I walked past two of my old friends, Jessica and Angela. But they didn't even send a glance my way. My worries had been for nothing, because it seemed I had, at last, reached my goal of become invisibility.

The rest of the day passed with ease as it seemed everyone held the same sentiment about me as Jessica and Angela. I wasn't even called on by a single teacher the entire morning. At lunch, I sat at the Cullen's old table alone and relived, f_inally these people have woken up, Bella is nothing to be interested or concerned with_ it made it so much easier to allow numbness, rather then pain, to overtake my body. And in my bubble of emptiness is where I happily stayed until the final bell of the day rang, reignited all my pain and worries for I knew Jake would be waiting for me when I got home.

* * *

The school on the reservation was set up quite differently then any public school I had ever attended. It all seemed very intriguing to me; Jake only went to school for half days, as the tribe believed real education came from personal experiences with nature. This meant that Jake was almost always free to spend time with me, which I saw as both a blessing and a curse. Today, it was a curse.

Jake's car was parked outside of my house just as I expected. But Jake was no where in sight. This wasn't totally out of the ordinary for him though, he sometimes would arrive early and venture off into the woods. I went into the house and left the door open for whenever he made his way back out of the woods. On autopilot, I opened the fridge and started grabbing random ingredients for Charlies dinner, he would be going to play cards tonight and needed to eat early. _Sausage, limes, ketchup, chocolate, fish... _

"I've heard food off the reservation is awful, but this is crossing a line" Jake's raspy voice chuckled from behind my shoulder. He hadn't even made a sound when he entered the house. _Why is it that all the men in my life seem to be much more graceful then me. _I looked up and couldn't help but smile though at the goofy look on Jake's face, he really did find my antics entertaining.

"Yeah I guess your right, I really don't know what I feel like making. It would be nice to make something good for Charlie I think its been awhile since he really enjoyed my cooking" I said as I shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeah I would imagine even he doesn't like chocolate and cod" Jake said dramaticlly sniffing the air in disgust. "How about I cook for both of you this time, it looks like Bells needs a break from kitchen duty" he laughed, adding under his breath "and a few extra thousand calories to that shrinking frame of yours."

I was offended but way to exhausted to defend myself from his snard remark. "I guess your right, I'm not the best of chefs these days" I said sitting down at the table. "You may have free rein at our kitchen, so long as you cook enough for yourself too."

"Holy hell, miss Bella is actually going to let me do her a favor without putting up a fight! Today really is my lucky day." His answer offended me ever further, but he looked too excited for me to push the issue. He was quickly putting away all my ingredients, moving about the kitchen as if he had been the one cooking meals here every night for over a year. Seeing that he was in no need of any assistance, I silently slipped away to lie on the sofa and pretend to take a nap.

Within just a few minutes the entire house was filled with the inviting sweet and spicy aroma of what could only be chili. The fumes immediately reminded me of Arizona and of a time in my life when things were carefree and simple, when my heart was still one whole piece. I could hear Jake whistling some upbeat tune I had never heard before. I took a deep breath, allowing the garlic, cumin and chili fumes to transport me to a happier place. Before I knew it, I was asleep and dreaming of my beautiful mother, a wonderful change from my daily nightmare routine.

I'm not sure how long I slept for but when I woke up the house was dark and my neck sore and tight. There two dishes in the sink, which meant Charlie and Jake had already eaten and left long ago. It was a pleasant surprise to not have to face anyone at all tonight and it looked as if I had actually gotten out of attending the dance. Elated, I quickly washed the dishes and decided I would just go back to bed. But as I turned to head up stairs, I noticed a big bowl of tightly wrapped up chili on the table. In front of the bowl was a paper towel with a note messy scrawled on it.

_You better eat every last bite of this, or I will be highly offended! By the way your dad told me about the dance. He was thrilled that you had asked me to go with you. I suppose you fell asleep before you could get around to asking me right? ;P No worries, I'll pick you up at 6 tomorrow, I'll even wear a suite! Hugs- Jacob._

_ Damn_ I thought, _well at least Charlie will be happy. _

**AN: Don't worry we will be getting to Edward and action very very soon! Please let me know if anyone is reading this, likes it, hates it or has any suggestions! Thanks so much. **


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER THIS IS MEYER'S WORLD I'M JUST LIVING IN IT

My closet was a deep pit of hopelessness, filled with nothing even remotely suitable for a high school dance. _Well that wasn't entirely true _ I grimaced to myself, thinking of the two dresses that were buried deep in the back of my closet. The dresses that Alice had put me in, one for the dance Edward forced me to attend, and the other for my horrible birthday party. They were the only two things I had left of my old family. Edward cruelly stole all other traces of them before he left. But though I would never throw them away, I would also never be strong enough to wear them.

I knew Jake would be here in a few hours, the situation was reaching a critical level. _Would it be so bad if I just wore jeans, _I wondered as I fell onto my bed in frustration. But I knew that would never work, Charlie was waiting very patiently downstairs for my big "reveal". If I didn't look the part of the excited school girl, then this whole torturous facade would have been for nothing. I knew what I needed to do, and I couldn't stall any longer. I had to call Jessica.

It was almost physically painful to dial those seven digits. The thought or socializing still nauseated me, and I knew that my sudden self isolation confused and infuriated Jessica. _Here I go again, using innocent people for my own needs..._ I thought as I punched each numbering excruciatingly slowly. The phone was answered after only one ring.

"Grand central station" Jessica's mother cheered out, though I could sense a hint of frustration within her polite joking voice.

"Um,... hi is Jessica home?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Oh yes, shes here somewhere... along with half the rest of the female population of Forks" she joked. "Whom may I tell her is calling?" I could hear from the background that she wasn't exaggerating, it was filled with shrieking girls and excessively loud pop music. "oh, well if she is busy I'll just call back later" I stammered. But I was cut off by the sound of Jessica nervously asking her mother who was on the phone.

"Mom! Is that Mike?"

"No honey, but it is for you of course, here I feel like I'm running a marathon getting you all your messages today!" she joke.

"yeah, yeah, thanks mom. Oh, and when I'm done here could you come curl my hair? I don't trust Angela with it." Jessica asked her mother warmly before saying hello into the phone.

"Hey Jessica, its.. um its Bella."

"Oh, what do you want" she responded, her warm tone drasticly developing an icy edge to it.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you, and and I know you don't owe me any favors..."

"Would you just spit it out Isabella" Jessica hissed. "We are all real busy here getting ready for the dance, I know it is above you and all but I actually enjoy being in high school." This really wasn't going to be easy, and I suppose it shouldn't be. I had treated her like crap. It was a miracle she didn't just hang up on me.

"Yes thats just it... I um I have to go I mean I have a date to, to the dance tonight-"

"What! With who?" Jessica interrupted, probably wondering if Edward was back in town.

"Well, he's not from our school, it doesn't matter..." I gripped the phone receiver tighter causing

my hand to begin to throb. "The problem is I didn't exactly expect to go, and and I haven't got...

"Shit Bella, are you trying to tell me you don't even have a damn dress to wear! The dance is in like 3 hours." Jessica interrupted again only this time her voice held a hint of concern in it.

"Yeah, I didn't realize when I accepted... but I don't even own any skirts" I whispered. I was starting to feel embarrassed on top of everything else.

"Holy hell Bella you really are all kinds of strange aren't you?" Though her words got under my skin, her tone no longer held any malice in it. "OK," she sighed "get you ass over her right now, and for God sakes be quick about it. I'm not going to be late getting myself ready."

"Thanks a lot Jessica"

"Sure thing Bella. I'm, well I'm glad your finally coming around," she said sadly before hanging up.

I grabbed a large duffel bag and threw what little make up I had into it. Running downstairs I let Charlie know where I was going. You would of thought I had told him we had both just won the lottery by the look of surprise and happiness that erupted all over his face. Though he did make me promise to return home to meet Jake can take some pictures for Renee. As fast as I could I quickly jumped in my truck and headed towards Jessica's. I needed to get there before I had time to think about what I was doing.


	6. Chapter 6

I remember nothing of the drive to Jessica's, and I don't know with any certainty who all was over her house once I arrived. Somehow I had managed to block almost the entire event out, though I do believe I was responsive on the outside. But inside I was blocked, I was shielded, and my shield was strong, warm, and thoughtless. If I had been able to keep it up, I would of soared right through to the end of the dance without so much of a flutter in my heart. But my block was foiled by the ungodly site of myself covered in head to toe pink. Not just any pink, but bright blinding hot freaking pink.

"It looks like I was the winner in a fight against Miss. Piggy" I grumbled to an overjoys Jessica . She was standing next to me, putting some finishing touches on my now puffy hair. We made a striking contract in the full length mirror in front of us, her in her form fitting black ball gown, and me in what appeared to be the costume the good witch wore in The Wizard of OZ.

"Don't be ridiculous. I wore this dress as a bridesmaid in my aunts wedding and it makes you look like a princess! Your date won't know what hit him." Jessica replied, brushing off my rude comment. "Though, it would look better if it wasn't so dang loose, you really have gotten too skinny Bella" she added. A comment I was beginning to grow quite weary of from people.

Taking another glance at myself, I could hardly argue with her. I had lost so much weight that my face now appeared slightly sunken in. That, coupled with the dark circles under my eyes, a gift I looked like a shell of my former self, and I had already been rather plain to begin with. It didn't really matter to me what I looked like, but I knew that the state of myself must be reeking havoc on Charlie.

"Well, alright I guess its not that bad actually" I sighed, plastering a fake smile onto my lips. "Thanks so much for saving my ass tonight Jessica, its been too long, I really do miss you."

I was surprised by the honest behind the words I spoke, I really did miss Jessica. I had thought being around people, especially happy people, would only make my pain worse. But the pain stayed the same. _There probably wasn't a higher level of pain in existence, _I bitterly thought. At least this meant I could stop ignoring people who had been nothing but nice to me. They certainly didn't deserve to be treated that way.

"Your welcome Bells, I know things have been hard for you, just... just try to have a good time tonight." Jessica said squeezing my hand gently.

"Yeah" was all I could muster as an answer. "Well, guess I better get back to Charlie, he is waiting to attack me with the damn digital camera" I laughed as I stumbled in my pink high heels to the door. Jessica walked me out, with everyone else giving me annoying but genuine smiles of encouragement as if I was a child going to her first day of school.

This time on the drive home I noticed everything. I noticed how quickly the vanilla perfume Jessica sprayed on me overtook my trucks cabin, the sickly sweet smell of it causing my stomach to churn uncontrollably. I noticed how every time I shifted in the seat, the highly starched puff ball of a sleeve a wore scratched into my bicep, and how slippery my sweaty hands had made the steering wheel become. I also noticed things outside of the truck, like how my snow chains jingled across the road, making crinkling sounds as they broke up the occasional patch of ice. Or how my headlights shined off of the many icicles that hung down off of the streets sidelining trees, the resulting cascade of reflective glitter causing my hands to look eerily like Edward in the sun.

By the time I arrived home I was more then sick of my new found observation skills. But still there was much to see. From the window, I watched the last two men in my life sitting awkwardly together in my living room. Jake was Dressed in what looked like a brand new brown linen suit, while my father had never bothered to change out of his sheriff's uniform. A basketball game went playing undetected behind their heads. I wrestled with thoughts of how much easier it would be for them, and for myself, if I simply drove away and never came back. But even I couldn't convince myself that there was any truth to those thoughts. It would hurt them if I disappeared, _Don't do anything to cause them anymore pain Bella, Edward doesn't love you, but they do so you have to be strong. _I saw Jake nervously check his watch and knew it was time to get out of the truck.

The walk to the house felt both endless and sadistically short, I wasn't sure how I could possible make it through the night. But when I walked into the living to meet the gaze of two hopeful, anxious men my resolve was renewed. Nothing was going to stop me from doing what I could for my father and my friend, so I painted on a big smile and went about the motions taking pictures, giving hugs and even laughing occasionally. It wasn't long before Jake and I were pulling into the school's parking lot.

"You know, though you are beautiful as always I am starting to get a strange craving for bubble gum" Jake teased me as followed the thumbing base into the gymnasium.

"Hey chief, if your not careful your gonna find yourself at the receiving end of my right hook, I'm not as little as you think I am" I teased back. Jake was always able to take my mind off of things if by doing nothing else but annoy me.

"Ok well I'll be sure to be careful then I wouldn't want you to break one of those pretty pink nails of yours." His laughter was gaining in intensity now, I was surprised he was even able to stay upright.

"yeah, yeah, lets just get this over with ok?"

"Whatever you say princess."

* * *

The gym had been transformed into a winter wonderland, not the most creative of themes but beautiful nonetheless. For the first half of the night I managed to keep Jake and I away from not only the dance floor, but most of my old friends as well. We mostly held up on the bleachers watching the rest of the school gracefully dance the night away. Jake seemed to be enjoying his sneak peak into public school, though he did also make it a point to poke fun at many aspects of it.

"so do you have recess every day too?" Jake snickered to me.

"um no Jake we are big boys and girls now" I replied exasperated, "but we do have bathroom breaks and I think I'll take mine now." It was time to steal a little break from playing my part, being social was extremely exhausting.

The bathroom stall brought sweet solace to me but I knew I couldn't stay there forever. _Give yourself two songs Bella, then go back to him. The night will be over soon enough. _When my time was up, I ceremonially flushed the toilet and pretended to wash my hands before heading back into the gym. Jacob was waiting for me right by the bathroom door, his demeanor drastically changed from when I left him.

"Well Bella I think its about time we actually got one with the dancing part of this dance, you've kept me waiting long enough" he whispered in my ear, his tone more serious then I've ever heard from him before.

"awwh come on Jake you know I don't dance."

"I put on a monkey suit for you Bells, and this may be my first and last official school dance ever, humor me please." He said as he guided me right to the middle of the dance floor. As if on cue, the music switched from the fast past beats of The Black Eyed Peas to the slow ominous tunes of John Mayer. "Ah, see Bella, it was meant to be" he smiled twirling me around to face him and slipping his arm around my waist. I could feel the eyes of everyone on the dance floor boring into the back of my head. Jacob didn't seem to notice a single stare though, for he couldn't keep his eyes off of me. But I was only revolted by his burning touch _had I gotten so use to a vampire hand that a regular human felt too hot to me _I wondered to myself.

I stumbled along as best I could to the music, but it was nothing like dancing with Edward, which had felt effortless. "This feels so right Bells, I couldn't be happier that you asked me here tonight." He beamed down to me. "I knew you would come around, those bloodsuckers are good at taking a hold on people, but I was starting to worry that you wouldn't get over it. You should know that with me you'll never have to worry again, I'm meant for you, not those crazy Cullens." Jake smiled as he leaned down and kissed my forehead.

All the hairs on my arms stood up instantly. Jake hadn't mentioned the Cullens since the day we went snowboarding and, though I had always suspected it, he had also never tired to make a move. Just hearing the name of my old family made me feel like I had been stuck with a burning hot poker. Edward's face immediately flew back into the forefront of my mind, I would never be able to forget him for more the a few seconds at a time. Rage was quickly building up in my, _how could he say that to me_ I though, he knew how I felt, he knew that would hurt me. But when I looked into Jake's eyes it was clear that he had meant no harm, he was just simply enjoying the moment. He truly believed he had some how won my heart right here on the dance floor. My rage instantly melted into a gut wrenching guilt.

_What if Jake really falls in love with you while you are just using him as a fun distraction? What if you made him feel just the way Edward makes you feel every single day? You could break this boy Bella._ In that instant I had made up my mind, Jake would have to be cut out of my life for his own sake. _I would just spend more time with Jessica, even if I can't stand her, that would also keep Charlie happy. _

I must had stopped dancing a while ago because Jake was now frowning down at me, realizing that he may had crossed a line. Taking a big gulp of air, I set my jaw firm and prepared myself for the loss of my good friend. I knew I would have to make it painful in order for it to stick, if Jake hated me then at least he wouldn't hurt over me anymore. "Wow how could you be so completely mistaken?" I spat out at him, "I would rather spend an entire lifetime pineing away over the Cullens then have to suffer through a single kiss from you. The Cullens are special, and you, well your, your just a hillbilly human." With that final word, I turned to run away only to feel Jake's grip clasp down on my arm extraordinary hard. Too hard, painfully hard.


	7. Chapter 7

"Oh no you don't Bella, you don't get to spew trash like that in my face and then just walk away, I have a few things to say to you too." Jake grunted into my ear, so close that his hot wet breath burned my nostrils, making me instinctively gag. I could no longer feel my left forearm, his tight grip having completely cut off my blood supply. And then, just as I had seen Charlie do during an arrest once, Jake twisted my arm into the middle of my back.

"Jake, stop it you are hurting me" I mumbled as I tried to wither out of his iron clasp.

"Not as much as you..." Jake began but his words were overshadowed by the screeching of a microphone, Mr. West had stepped onto the stage. It was time for senior announcements. The noise momentarily distracted Jake, and he loosened his grip enough for me to shake away. Searing pain instantly sprung into my hand as my blood eagerly returned into my arm, reveling the spot where a large hand shaped bruise would undoubtedly develop.

Jake also noticed those tell tale marks, and for a few seconds we both simply stared at it dumbfounded. I could hear Mr. West merrily revealing the location of this years senior trip, but it all sounded so very far away. I was stuck inside my own bubble of emotions, engaging in a silent war with myself. _Don't be mad at him, you brought this on yourself but don't you dare back down. Do right by him and walk away _I thought. Only to counter it with _how could he have that inside of him, in his eyes I saw it, he was ready to attack me. _I then found myself wondering _but would that of been so terrible, if he had attacked me. At least that would put an end to my misery. _

I wasn't able to work through my train of thought though before I felt Jake tense again beside me. When I looked up with concern I saw that it was Jessica barreling down on us that had him back on edge. But she pushed right by Jake, as if she hadn't seen him at all, and wrapped her arms around my shoulder, "Bella, Bella, I can't freaking believe it!" she shrieked. Panic started to rise in my chest, _Oh God she _saw, _how can I explain it _I wondered, next to me I could see Jake scanning the room for all the exits.

"Wha What Jessica, really Jake and I were just playing around." I stuttered to her.

"Who?" Jessica asked confused. "I'm talking about what Mr. West said, ITALY Bella, Italy we get to go to Italy! I can't believe it. Like the country Italy, like Romeo and Juliet, gondola rides, gelato, its going to be sooo Romantic! Oh, I hope Mike and I can find away to sneak away for a while- at like SUNSET!" she beamed to me with one long breath of air.

"Oh, yeah thats, thats great... wonderful really" I answered, allowing the happy wave of realization to hit me. Jessica hadn't noticed Jake at all. She was too overjoyed at the fact that our senior class gets to spend spring break touring Italy. I could understand why she would be so excited though, if that announcement had been made a few short months ago I too would be bubbling over with joy. Italy was a far cry better from the class trip to Disney Land the last seniors took. I gave Jessica a quick hug and said the only thing I could think of "we'll have to go shopping for the trip sometime soon."

"Oh hell yeah! I have to look good over there." Jessica replied before teetering over towards Angela, to probably have the exact same conversation all over again. As soon as she was gone, the tension started to build again between Jake and I. _Wow I never thought in my life that I would actually long for more girltalk. _

"Well, if you don't mind I will be heading home now Jake" I said, "and I bet you can imagine why I would appreciate it if you didn't follow me" I added in a whisper. But of course, Jake did follow me, though he was anything but threatening now, his body hunched over in shame, his walk sluggish and unsure. I really did feel bad for him.

"Bella, please" he said with a wince when we reached the parking lot. "Please just let me drive you home and let us talk about this."

I replied "Sure, lets go" without even thinking about it when I saw the pained looked in his face. I could easily see how much his actions were tormenting him.

It was a very long silent drive home, with both of us left fidgeting awkwardly as we each dealt privately with understanding what just happened. At least, I was awkwardly fidgeting, Jake, on the other hand, appeared to actually be engaged in a physical battle with himself. As if he was he were trapped in his own personal hell, I watched his arms and shoulders violently convulse in an effort to control the gauntlet of emotions that were passing through his body. The only emotion I was feeling in that moment though was pure raw guilt. I had done this to Jake. Before me he was just a fun loving kid, and now I had him questioning his very own morality. I still had to end this, but I needed to find a gentler way to let him down this time. At least I knew Charlie wouldn't be home for another hour or two, he was off enjoying some silly sport game will Billy and no one expected us back until after the dance.

When we got to my house, Jake cut off the trucks motor but made no move to get out. Instead, he leaned his head back and let out a long slow controlled sigh. I tried to will myself to break the stiflingly silence, to some how make him feel better, but no words would come to my mouth. I don't know how long we both sat there, me staring out my window, and him at the top of the roof, but it felt like an eternity had passed. I had always been known as the patient one in my family, but that wasn't the case anymore. I simply couldn't trust myself to be alone with my thoughts, especially when I had to keep up an image like tonight. Slowly I could feel my thoughts turning back to where they always wanted to wonder, to shiny bronze hair, dark intense eyes, powerful yet purposefully gentle touch...

"Jake, I'm going inside now, you clearly don't have anything to talk about with me after all and I'm tired of waiting on you." I opened the door and let the crisps air clear Edward from my head.

"Wait Bella, I'm... I'm sorry let me walk you in. I just need a few more seconds to calm down. But we have to talk." Jake pleaded with me.

"Jake do whatever you'd like, I'm going in and getting out of this ridiculous dress. I'll be in my room- just make sure you knock before you come in." Even though I tried to hide the annoyance from my voice the statement came out tense and rude. I left before he could reply, and I could become more agitated. _I really hope this doesn't take that long, I should of never let it get this far._

By the time I got to my room, Jake was already sitting on my bed, his head hung in apparent shame. The site of him shocked me _how does he do that, if he only knew how much he reminded me of... _

"I did knock, but you were too slow Bella." Jake mumbled from my bed.

"ha, yeah I walking through the house and up the stairs is a much more round about way to get to my room, I don't know what I was thinking."

"Bells, I am... I am so sorry. I know you are mad and you should be mad." Jake said as he stood up and walked over to me. "Please, let me see your arm, how badly did I... did I hurt you?"

"Jesus Jake, I'm fine you barely squeezed me, don't worry about it." "I just wish you would learn to use the door instead of my window, I know your a massive man everything" I tried to joke.

"Bella, listen to me, it is not ok." He said dropping down to his knees. " I thought I could handle being your friend, I thought I could someday be even more then your friend. That, that you of all people would be the best girl for me. But I was so very wrong Bella."

_Wait a second, what is happening here? Jake is... is breaking up with me? _I couldn't understand how things had suddenly gotten so turned around. I was the one who needed to do the breaking for his own good, and now here he was kneeling at me feet as if he had to do it for me. I took a step back, this all sounded so eerily familiar, and I could feel the hole in my heart start to burn again.

"Everyone told me it wasn't a good idea, Sam even considered outright banning me from seeing you." "They said you weren't the one meant for me anyway and that I was being selfish." He was almost sobbing now as he scooted closer to me again, wrapping his arms around my legs. "They were all right Bella, I should of never allowed myself to get close to you." "But I love you so I had to try, I thought I could be patient enough, that, that, I could wait for you to get over those filthy blood suckers, but I see now that I just can't." He rested his head against my thy and I could feel he was absolutely burning up. "Bella... its just not good for me or you for me to be around you. I'm sorry."

There it was again, I am not good enough, not even for Jake. Even though this was exactly what I had wanted to accomplish when I walked into the room, I suddenly found myself crippled between both pain and anger. I quickly settled on feeling the anger because it was much easier to stomach. _There is no way I am letting this happen that way again _I thought to myself. Slowly, I wiggled out of Jake's tight hug, crouching down to his eye level. "Jake, don't be sorry" I coldly whispered. "I am so happy you finally realize this, I thought I had made it clear at the dance tonight, I never enjoyed spending a single second with you, I only did it because I felt bad for you Jake, and because it seemed to make Charlie happy." Jake started convulsing again, taking in deep ragged breaths. I stood up and added loudly, "Oh and, those filthy bloodsuckers you speak of, you should of never been waiting for me to get over for you. Its just not possible because you simply can't compare to them, in fact your entire silly superstitious clan doesn't even come close to being as special as one of my Cullens... now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE." I screamed at him before sliding down the door to my room in pain. I hadn't said their name out loud in months, and it felt like glass cutting into my tong.

I was momentarily dazed sitting on my floor, images of all 7 of them floating through my head. I could hear Jake's heavy breathing only feet away from me, but its increasing intensity didn't set off any warnings in my head. "Oh how I miss you Edward," I mumbled to myself finally letting the hot tears fall down my face. Jake could no longer restrain himself.

"your Cullens!, YOUR CULLENS" he screamed jumping up and towering down over me. "How can you miss them... THEY ARE MONSTERS, there really is something WRONG with you!" "Why can't you see it, they never loved you. You were their toy, their pet... their... their..." He was shaking so uncontroablly now that his large body knocked several things off of my desk. Something was terribly wrong with him, and I could suddenly feel fear prickling its way up my spine.

"Jake, calm down. You your right... I'm sorry." I whispered in as calm of a voice that I could muster. But there was no calming him down by this point, I didn't know what was coming but I could sense it was going to be painful. Slamming my eyes shut, I pictured Edward and waited for the inevitable.

_"Run Bells run as fast as you can" _I heard my Edward's sad but stern voice beckoning to me. But I knew there was no time to run so I choose to stay put and focus on the images of his sweat sparking face.

"Goddamnit Bella wake up, run away from me run as fast as you can!" Jake screamed, painfully jerking me out of my daydream. His voice barely sounded human, and when I forced my eyes open I was met with the most terrifying site of my life. Jake's large body was quickly growing right before my eyes, to the point where it looked like he might simply explode into a millions pieces all over my bedroom. The corners of his mouth were all covered in a white frothy foam, and his upper teeth suddenly seemed to be hanging way past is bottom lip. I could hear his clothes straining to stay together against his body, which now almost reached to the top of my ceiling.

"Jake... Jake whats happening" I screamed as I looked into his panic stricken eyes with both terror and wonderment. But Jake only had time for one simple word to answer my question.

"SORRY" he growled before my ears were split open with the deafening sounds of wood cracking, glass breaking, and the sharp high pitch cry of Jake as he morphed into a strange beast right before me. And then the world went black.


	8. Chapter 8

I could feel light seeping into the cracks of my sleeping eyes. _Wow, how long have I been out for?_ Every inch of my body ached with stiffness, so much so, that I could hear my arm creak when I slowly stretched it out. Opening my eyes was even more problematic, as they were encrusted with something hard yet sticky, which kept pulling painfully at my eyelashes. Soon tears began to form in response the pain, and though I hated how easily I tended to cry, I was relieved at how they loosened my eyes up. Once I worked my eyes open though I was less then relieved with the blurry reality that was awaiting me.

My room seemed to have been hit by a tornado, almost nothing was recognizable. _I must still be dreaming_ I thought as I scanned the area slowly, a broken book shelf, a broken ceiling fan, a BROKEN FLOOR. Finally my eyes stopped at my empty, still made bed, which was covered in a snowy blanket of sheet rock. _Wait, what? How am I looking at my bed? Just where exactly am I? _I wondered, thinking I was having some sort of out of body experience. But then I painfully shifted and felt my rocking chair quickly respond to the movement. _You slept sitting up, no wonder you are sore, but why? _It was all very unsettling, I had never liked the feeling of being out of control and at that moment I seemed to be spirally down some sort of strange rabbit hole, with no idea what was going on, or even what time of day it was. But I did know one thing, I wasn't alone in this torn and tattered room, someone was staring at me from behind a shadowy corner.

Overwhelmed with the need to run away from whomever was silently boring holes into my head, I tried to get up. But, despite my urgent need for escape, I couldn't muster the strength to pull myself out of the chair. Looking down, I discovered that my leg was injured and had been clumsily bandaged with gauze. Blood was still slowly oozing out from the taped edges soaking into Jessica's pink dress.

"Dad," I tried to yell out. But I was quickly assaulted with a burning from fire deep inside my throat. I was injured in more then one area it seemed, but _what could of possible burned my throat so badly? _And with that thought my mind was flooded, the memories all coming back in one fast forceful blow, leaving me gasping for air.

Jake, innocent young Jake had turned into something awful. We had been fighting, saying hurtful things to one another and then in a blink of an eye he was changing, and I was screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs until until something hit my head and knocked me out. I reached up to rub my head, scratching open a dry blood clot at my hairline. I cold smell the metallic blood, both old and new all over the room now and I suddenly understood just what had been gluing my eyelids together.

"Cha Cha Charl... " I muttered, knowing I was about to begin hyperventilating.

"Shhhh, relax Bella, take deep long breaths" the stranger in the shadows said.

I had heard that voice before. In fact, I had heard that voice whisper those exact same words to me only months before. It was Sam, Jacob's friend, the man who had saved me from the elements, by carrying home the broken pieces of me that Edward had left in the middle of the woods.

"Sa Sam is that you? Where is Charlie, I have to call Charli.. and where, where is Jake, NO what WHAT is Jake." I stammered between taking in large hiccups of air. Sam walked slowly towards me stopping at the edge of my bed and brushing off a few pieces of debris before sitting down.

"Just calm down, I promise I will call Charlie in just a little while, but we need to have a conversation first." His dark brows were squeezing together with some type of negative emotion. _rage, sadness, fear, disappointment? _I couldn't read him and that made me extremely nervous. But he was right, we needed to talk because I was desperate for answers. I knew that once Charlie got here all hell was going to break loose and then I would be able to figure anything out.

Taking a few slow breaths, I readied myself before saying "ok lets talk."

Sam stared down at his hands and spoke slow and deliberately to me. "Well, let me first say that I am terribly sorry for what has happened Bella, it was entirely my fault. I knew better then to let Jake come around you... but sometimes I find it hard to order him, when I know he should be the one giving the orders, but anyway, again, I am so so sorry... I... will pay to make you better."

_Guilt_ the look on his face was guilt? It was an entirely unnecessary feeling for Sam to have, what happened had nothing to do with him. "No, no Sam its fine and I'm fine I'm... not that hurt..." He audibly winced at my words.

"Well, I had my Emily bandage you up for now, but we will get you to a hospital very soon. I just, I just have to protect my family first. I hope you understand." I didn't understand, not one bit. But the look of angst that was spreading across his face was killing me.

"I... I want to understand, please I'm not going to say anything. I won't even tell on Jake. We can tell Charlie it was a robbery- wait where is Charlie? What time is it?"

"I know you have a lot of questions Bella, and I want to answer every single one of them. You deserve at least that from me." He massaged his temples before continuing on, " It is 3 pm on Sunday afternoon, Charlie is still at Billy's house. When I found out what happened, I convinced Billy to distract your father for as long as possible. He ended up falling asleep after watching some old Superbowl tapes of Billy's."

"That doesn't sound like Charlie, I would of thought he'd be dying to see how my dance went," I mused out-loud, causing Sam to slightly hang his head a little.

"Yeah, well, he may have been enticed into sleepiness with a little special family sleepy time tea," he shamefully whispered.

Anger quickly erupted inside my head and I set out yell at Sam saying, "you drugged my father." But the words sounded weak and timid even to my own ears.

"I'm sorry Bella, he is fine really. He will wake up soon feeling refreshed and relaxed. I just needed to talk to you first... please, please understand."

All I could do was nod slightly to him. Even though I hated the idea of anyone pulling one over on my Charlie, I was a little grateful that I had some time to prepare for his arrival home. "So, whats next" I asked, adding a meek laugh as a way to calm his nerves a little.

Sam stood up and pulled my heavy bed a few feet closer to where I sat huddled in my rocking chair. Sitting back down, he said "let me just start from the beginning." And then he preceded to tell me the entire history of the Quileutes, including the fable Jake had once told me himself. He talked of how he was the first one of this generation to change, of how painful it was for him. He told me of how he blamed the Cullens for jump starting the gene, and of how Jake has taken his change very hard. Then he told me of his own accident with his Emily, before finally breaking down into sobs and asking me to "please keep their family secret just as you have kept the secret of your vampire family."

I was floored by all that he had entrusted me with. It was more then was necessary and some of it was deeply personal. When he was finished, he looked exhausted and broken. He clearly felt as if he had failed as the leader of these young boys, and as a protector of human kind. I leaned forward to him as gently as I could, fighting hard to not let on how much pain that slight movement had caused me."Sam, the Quileutes are my family too, if not more then the Cullens. You have never left me, or betrayed me, and I would never do anything to harm any of you."

Sam shuddered slightly, before saying "oh Bella you are too good. After what Jake did you..."

"No it was my fault, where is Jake now?" I answered intensely.

"He is gone, for now. But he is ok, just distract and distraut over what happened. He loves you Bella, it will take a long time for him to forgive himself. Right now, he is somewhere in Canada. We are always connected to him when he is in his wolf form so we know he is safe. Don't worry about him Bella, he will come back to us eventually. But, you know, he cannot be your friend anymore. At least, not for a while..."

His words stung me badly even though I knew Sam was right, though for reasons he did not understand. Jake couldn't be my friend anymore because I wasn't good enough for him, because I would never be able to stop hurting him. "Yeah, well maybe one day. But please let him know that its not his fault, that I'm not mad..."

"Bella, he will see everything you just said as if he was sitting here with you," he said with awe in his eyes, "but that should be the least of your concerns right now, how are you feeling physically?"

If I was being honest, I felt like I had been hit by a train. My body was just one constant throbbing pain, and I had no idea where the true source of it was. But I didn't want to worry him anymore then he already was so all I said was "fine."

"That is doubtful kid, but you are one strong lady that is for sure" Sam chuckled. "I am going to call Charlie now and tell him that I happened to be driving by his house when I noticed the door was open." I'll tell him I found you passed out in your room, but I'm going to have to take a few of your things to make it look like a real robbery."

"Thats, thats fine... but I'm not a good liar Sam." I worried.

"Don't worry about it, you have hit your head pretty hard, no one will question you if you say you don't remember what happened, and luckily you were only hit with lots of debris.. you don't have any claw marks" he added quietly. "Oh, and Bella, as much as I hate your bloodsuckers, you should know that they didn't exactly leave you... I found something under the floor board..." He walked over to my desk and grabbed a strange silver box I had never seen before. "I hope giving this to you is the right thing to do..." he sighed as he gently placed the box into my lap.

_Edward. _It was a box of Edward. Everything he had stolen away from me, and more. Pictures, cds, my radio, and lying right on top, a letter addressed to me. I picked up the letter and slowly began to read, each word causing my heart to shred a little piece at a time.

_My Bella,_

_I am writing this because I am a selfish weak man. I hope you never find this, I hope you forget all about me as fast as possible. I need you to have a wonderful normal human life, to not remember me at all. But as I packed away all our things to make it easier for you to forget, I found I couldn't breath, I couldn't move. Bella I had to keep myself as close as possible while still being safe for you, so here I hid all of our things under your floor. If you have found this, and it has caused you unnecessary pain, then know how terribly sorry I am. Bella, I love you more then life itself. When I told you I didn't, it was the worst kind of lie. How could I not love __ my Bella? But I am not good for you, I bring nothing but danger and destruction into your life so I will walk away even though I know my life will cease to exists from this moment forward. So, please, please, love, lead a safe but happy life for me, don't be sad, and know that you will always have my heart. _

_ You are forever in my mind_

_Edward_

By the time Charlie arrived with an ambulances in tow, it was easy for anyone to believe I was truly traumatize. I could not stop crying.


	9. March pt1

**MARCH**

**AN: Sorry this one is shorter but I just wanted to get the first part of March up asap. Thanks to the wonderful e-mails I had sent to me by two lovely members they made my day. Oh and again, this is Stephanie world I just live here sometimes ;)**

_ Edward,_

_ I've been unnecessarily stuck in this cold hospital for three weeks now. I wish I could say that the thought of you has made it more bearable but it hasn't. You love me, you love me Edward? I keep reading these words of yours over and over again, and they fill me with so much emotion that it is hard to even remember to breath. I am overjoyed, yet enraged, hopeful but weary. I am, quite frankly a fucking mess. You love me, and yet you left me here to wither away until I die of old age? Why? Because your scared for my soul, and because I'm too weak and insignificant for you? Well, what good is having a soul when your heart is murdered? This insurmountable pain I live with every day, is this the human experience you didn't want me to miss love? I am tired Edward, I am so very tired. Tired of being frail and powerless, tired of causing everyone around me to harm and hurt themselves in order to protect the pitiful Bella, and tired of constantly being in pain. Jake is gone, out somewhere stuck with his own rage and self-hate. My father is an ignorant mess, blaming himself for not being home to protect me, and using the pull of his badge to keep me cooped up in here because he doesn't think he can handle the responsibility of me anymore. And you, my love, I have no idea where you are and if you are hurting right now. All of this is my fault, and I won't stand for it anymore. I know what must be done now, I am going to become a vampire or I am going to die trying. I am living by my own design now, taking care of the ones I love by taking away the one thing that has crippled everyone's happiness, me. If I fail love, or am never able to find you again, then I hope you can move on. Go back to being the wonderful Edward I knew before I broke you. I am sorry. I am so very sorry to everyone. _

It was becoming hard for my burning tear filled eyes to focus on the words of the page I was reading. Though I knew the lines I had written to Edward four days ago by heart now, but every time I reread them it filled me with a renowned sense of purpose, power and determination. All emotions that were both foreign and fantastic. But even with them it was still impossible to ward off my tears and anxiety, the guilt for all the pain I had caused everyone was an overwhelming burden.

Allowing my journal to fall closed with a soft thud, I clutched it to my chest and closed my eyes tightly, trying my hardest to picture myself as a vampire. It was a day dream I had been struggling to force upon myself, wanting to see a strong Bella sparkling in the sun, hoping to imagine the feel of Edward's hand in mine as we ran side by side in our meadow as equals. I needed to believe it was possible to fix everything, and that Edward would be relieved when I found him as a vampire. But every time I tried to focus on it, my mind bitterly betrayed me. Instead of showing me reassurance, it always gave me terror and guilt, whether it be a vision of Jake scared and alone, Charlie crying, or Edward anguished.

Somewhere in between my vision of a lost starving wolf and a desolate Vampire I noticed soft foot steps entering into my room. I knew it couldn't of been Renee because she had only just left to go back to her hotel, and it certainly wasn't Charlie, who hadn't been able to visit since the day Renee had arrived. Everyone said he was just too engrossed in his search for my assailant, but I knew he had just had enough of me and feared how I would react to coming home and seeing myself. But that ment it could only be one other person, Sam's wife Emily.

In all the time I had spent on the reservation with Jake I had some how managed to miss Emily, though I know she had been there the whole time. Over the past three weeks, she had visited me at least once daily, and she was becoming the only person that I actually looked forward to seeing everyday. Never once had she prompted me with a barrage of questions or even seemed to expect me to talk at all. She only sat next to me, knitting a scarf, providing a quiet comradely. Emily understood some of what I was feeling because she had been through a lot herself, and she still had the scars on her face to prove it. Scars that I suspected I would also carry with me for the rest of my life, though I wasn't sure because no one would allow me to look in a mirror yet and the bandages on the rest of my body were still hiding the damage from my eyes.

Emily pulled up her usually seat without offering a hello, though I'm sure she could tell I wasn't sleeping. Her presence filled me with a much needed warmth as I continued to lay with my eyes clamped shut listening to the clicking of her knitting needles until finally submitting myself to sleep. But as usually my sleep was tormented with unfocused nightmares, worse then any of my day dreams. When I awoke I could still hear Emily knitting away but there was now a cool washcloth resting ontop of my forehead.

"I'm sorry if I was talking in my sleep Emily" I whispered to her remorsefully. No one deserved to hear pain like that and I feared what I may have revealed to her.

"Oh little one there is nothing to be sorry for, everyone has their own demons to hide from" she answered with a sad nod.

"Thanks, so um.. do you know how Jake is?"

"ah Jake, well Jake is dealing with the same demons as you honey, he is still fighting to realize that it is no ones fault. But, just like you, he will be okay so you need not worry."

Her kind words only irritated me, I knew there was someone to blame and it was me. I grunted in response to her and turned my head to stare at the silver box Edward had left for me, tears forming once again.

"Look love, I am only going to bother you with this once, and then I'll go back to letting you alone. But you are not to blame, Jake will be ok, your father is a strong grown man and he will be ok, and that boy," she said pointing to my box, "loves you and you will find each other again if it is meant to be." She leaned in even closer and pressed her forehead to mine, "Sam tried to leave me after our accident, I tore myself to pieces for months thinking I had destroyed our happiness. But then one day I realized that it wasn't my fault, or his fault either. Things just happen and you have to deal with it."

"You, you thought it was your fault that Sam phased too close to you?" I asked without turning my head to her.

"Yes Bella, I was angry with him over something very trivial and I kept pushing and pushing, even though I knew what could happen" she replied almost casually.

"But, people get angry, it wasn't your fault."

"I know that, but it took me a long time to get there, and it took Sam even longer. Sometimes I still see the guilt in his eyes when he looks at my face."

"Wha what made Sam come back to you?"

"I went and found him Bella, I went all the way to Ontario and I brought him back to me. Once I had accepted what had happened I could focus on finding the strength to fix it, even if everyone thought I was crazy." she laughed.

"Oh, I thought no one knew what happened to you- that everyone was told it was a bear attack." I was slowly getting lost into Emily's story now and I could feel weight being lifted off of my shoulders, she understood even more then I thought she had.

"Well, yes anyone outside of the inner circle thinks I was a bear attack victim. But, all the elders knew the truth and they were adamantly against me going to find my Sam. They thought it would be too dangerous, that I should at least wait for him to come back on his own. But I knew better. Sam had promised before he left that he would never hurt me again, I knew he wasn't going to allow himself the chance of breaking that promise. So, I went and I fought for him. I don't think he ever would of phased back to a man if I hadn't found him in the arctic."

"Wait, Sam said that Jake would be fine" I said as panic rose into my chest, " that he would come back soon. Do you.. do you think he needs me to go find him so he can see I forgive him?"

"Oh Bella, Jake is not your Sam. He will be fine. He will come back I told you not to worry about him. But, if this Edward is truly your one then, as crazy as what you are planning on doing sounds to me, I am willing to help you anyway I can."

My heart stopped dead with her words. I must have mentioned my intention to go find Edward while sleeping. _ How much had I said? _I wondered, _did she know I wanted to become a vampire? __Would she really help me, could I really trust her?_ "I.. I don't know what your talking about" I pathetically lied.

"Ok, sweetie, then I'm not talking about anything at all. I'm here though if ever you want to talk about it." And with that she went back to her scarf leaving me alone with my thoughts.


	10. march pt2

**A/N: Thanks to LilRedRocker, smartcutefunny, and alice-valentina-cullen. I am always very surprised and excited to get any type of review. This is all very new to me and I honestly very much appreciate it. Hope you enjoy this next part, sorry I will try to write faster from now on but sometimes you just have to wait until the inspiration comes. Also, I know it seems like it is taking forever to get to Edward but please just hang tight he's coming. I even have plans for a companion piece from his point of view!**

**AND sadly, I still don't own Twilight. I asked Stephanie to give it to me, or last just give me Edward but she said no :(.**

* * *

_My heart stopped dead with her words. I must have mentioned my intention to go find Edward while sleeping. How much had I said? I wondered, did she know I wanted to become a vampire? Would she really help me, could I really trust her? "I.. I don't know what your talking about" I pathetically lied. _

_ "Ok, sweetie, then I'm not talking about anything at all. I'm here though if ever you want to talk about it." And with that she went back to her scarf leaving me alone with my thoughts. _

* * *

Three more painstakingly slow days passed by much the same as the first 28. My mother returned home to Phil, after making me promise to stop having our reunions be injury initiation. She was desperate to take me back with her, but she could sense my determination to stay and knew there would be no getting around my stubbornness. "Bell honey, please try to stay in one piece for the next few months at least" she grimly said before leaving. It wasn't until after she left that I realized there was a good chance I might never see her again. I was surprised to find that this thought didn't leave me in devastation. I was only slightly sad and remorseful for the pain it would undoubtedly cause her.

With Renee gone, Charlie once again felt obligated to sit at my bedside, though he was more awkward then ever with me, seeming like he might never be ready to take me home. To say I was feeling antsy would have been a major understatement. I was powerless in this sterile cell, unable to start my search for Edward, plan for getting changed, or even asses the damage done to my body. It was time to get the hell out of here, and that meant probably causing Charlie more pain again. But even though that was the last thing I wished to do, he was truly leaving me no choice.

Charlie arrived, as always, right after the doctor did his morning rounds with me. He never liked to be in the room when the doctor was there, probably because he wouldn't be able to hide his guilty face when the doctor gave another sorry excuse for keeping me in bed one more day. Most days I would pretend to be asleep when Charlie arrived, "waking" only for lunch so when Charlie walked into my room today he was noticeably surprised to see me waiting for him wide awake with a face full of determination.

"oh, hey honey its good to see your feeling better" he said choosing to linger next to the door.

"Yeah I really am dad, I have lots of energy today. I would really like to go home too and Dr. Wallace couldn't come up with any good justification for keeping me in jail any longer." I was being harsh already and it caused him to wince in pain.

"Bells, no one is keeping you in jail we just want to make sure you get better. And, its just safer for you here, that bastard thief is still out there somewhere" he said running his hands through his hair roughly. His dark hair was now speckled with gray, no doubt a gift from me.

"Dad, there is no way that guy is coming back to the scene of the crime and you know it. He's probably half way to kalamazu by now and I can't any more better here then I could at home. Just get me out of here already." I screamed pulling the covers off to reveal I had already gotten into some street clothes.

When Charlie saw my outfit and realized I wouldn't back down this time panic flashed across his face. He masked it quickly, sighed and rested all his weight against the door frame. "well, honestly honey I have been so busy trying to catch that scum that I haven't had time to fix up your uh room or anything. But I could always call Renee back you know she would love for you to go stay in Florida, even if its just for a visit."

"Do you have Alzheimer dad because I know I have said this before, I am not leaving Forks. It is my senior year of high school and I want to stay. I have been trying to be accommodating to your feelings because I love you and I understand that seeing me hurt isn't exactly easy for you. But I am fine, and I am 18. Dad I am leaving today whether you like it or not. I don't care if I don't have anywhere to go to." It wasn't easy to cut throw Charlie so harshly once again, to see his face crumble almost exactly the way it fell the last time I walked out on him. _Don't worry Dad this time I won't come back to hurt you again. _

_ Shakily_ standing up, I grabbed my box full of Edward and made a move towards the door. Charlie instinctively countered by repositioning himself into a human gate. No words needed to be spoken anymore between us and we just stood staring at each other, both equally distraught and determined. Many minutes must have passed by without either of us flinching until I heard a soft calming voice coming from behind my mountainous father.

"Charlie, please let me in. I can help you."

It was Emily and she seemed to be aware of all that had transpired. Her kind words affected Charlie and he moved slightly, creating a few inches of space for her small body to slip through. She entered soundlessly and quickly came to put her arms around me. Clearly, I hadn't been putting out the tough girl face like I had intended.

"Its gonna be ok Bella" she whispered to me before guiding me back down on the bed. "look guys, I know this is hard for both of you. I know you want to keep Bella safe Charlie, I think I have an idea so just hear me out please."

Charlie grunted and slid down to sit on the floor. "I don't know what to do anymore Emily, I.. I have failed at everything."

"I have a big old empty room in my house. I think it would be best if Bella come stay with Sam and I on the reservation. It is completely safe there, and that way you don't have to worry about Bella being alone while you work. And, well, and I think Bella could use some girl time too. I do know what she is going through you know..." she quietly said rubbing the large dark scar on her face.

Charlie still looked apprehensive but I could already see his resolve starting to crack. He started thoughtfully at Emily and then back at me. "Please daddy, I'm going to go either way but please just say you are ok with it." It was a low blow to use the word daddy on him, but I suspouse it was better then the hateful things I had been saying before. And, it worked like a charm.

"well, I guess it isn't going to hurt anything if you were to stay there for a while" Charlie relented. "I will be out there to see you as much as I can, but I am going to find this guy no matter what."

"Thank you daddy!" I jumped down to kiss him on the cheek, wincing slightly at my hurt forehead bumped against him.

"But, you have to keep getting check ups Bella and please don't go back to school unless you until you are ready, and"

"I promise Charlie" Emily interrupted. "I will take her to school when she is ready and I will pick her up each day too, she will be safe until this guys is caught."

I hadn't realized how good of a lair Emily could be, but then again I guess she has had lot of practice. Charlie silently nodded back to Emily, he was tired, defeated, and probably very relieved to be able to get a break from me for a while. Standing up together he bent down to kiss me on the head and said he would be back with my discharge papers and a wheel chair. I was free at last but I wondered what Edward would about me living with a wolf.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Just a quick glimps of the next part of March. If I had my way I would do nothing all day but for write this. Sadly life seems to have other ideas on what I should be doing with my time right now. Sorry for the slow pace of these post, I'm doing the best I can. Hope who ever is reading this is enjoying it though. I am always grateful for any review, positive or negative as anything helps one grow. Thanks!**

Emily and Sam's house wasn't at all as I had expected. From the outside it was small and somewhat dingey, its blue paint having faded over the years into a washed out gray. But inside the house there was a warmth that radiated everywhere. Emily had clearly provided a much needed home-base for all of the pack, and it set my nerves somewhat to ease. Jake had always needed a mother figure in his life and I could easily picture Emily being that for him. He would fit right in at her faded yellow kitchen counter enjoying her world class muffins. It was great to know that Jake would be ok when I was gone.

Emily showed me to my room and I was once again pleasantly surprised by how simple yet elegantly decorated it was. The walls were painted the lights shade of purple with accents of chocolate brown throughout and in the center stood a massive queen sized bed with a deep royal purple comforter. I couldn't help but to smile "wow Emily your guest room is beautiful... purple and brown are, are like my favorite colors actually."

"I know sweetie, remember Sam and Jake are connected and... well Jake wanted to make sure you were comfortable here, even though he is very weary of you staying on the reservation."

"Oh," was the only response I could muster. Jake hadn't been back to Forks since the accident and it really troubled me. Sam assured me that he was doing fine, just sulking somewhere along the border of Yukon. The very idea of Jake being alone in the woods for almost a month now sent chills down my spin. But the Jake in my head was still a young teenage boy, not the strong wild wolf that the rest of his family seemed to see him as. Billy didn't even seem too concerned about it, in fact he seemed more worried about me.

"I wish Jake would just talk to me, or at least send me a direct message" I sighed sitting down on the bed. The covers were soft but crisp with just purchased freshness radiating off of them. "And, Emily... really" I said gesturing around the room, "you didn't need to do anything work for me, I don't deserve this at all... and I won't be a bother to you for very long I promise."

Emily let lose a shockingly loud chuckle, her bright eyes seemed truly surprised by my comment. "Are you kidding me? Doll, you couldn't be a bother even if you tried your damnedest to do so." She walked over to gently sit down next to me, a big smile still spreading across her entire face almost. "Honestly Bella I am freaking thrilled to have another lady in this house. I've been taking care of rambunctious boys for far too long now, and I'm afraid your going to have to pay me some rent by ways of manis and pedis!"

"oh sure, just... no pink ok?"

"Anything you say Bells" she giggled. "Really though, you are more then welcome here for as long as you would like to stay. But when you need to go remember I'm here to help you with that too... so why don't you just concentrate on getting well now ok? How does a bath sound, I have fresh linens in the closet for you."

"That... that actually sounds great thanks"

"Alright then, the bathroom is down the hall, make sure to close it tightly and all the boys know not to bother a lady when she is in the bathroom so don't worry take your time. I'm going to get started on dinner, hollar if you need anything at all." Emily kissed my head gently before bouncing out of the room happily. It really did feel good to be mothered for once.

* * *

Emily had been right, a bath was just what I had needed. Though it didn't feel quite as relaxing as it normally would since I had to keep one leg strone over the side of the tub. It still needed to stay tightly bandaged because it had required a whopping 17 stitches to close up the gaping wound my celine fan had left in it. I still didn't understand how I made it through the long ordeal of having those stitches put in, and I was terrified of the time when they would have to come out.

But I didn't want to think about such terrible things right then, so I sunk my head under the water and allowed the strange humming noise that filled my ears to block all thoughts all together. And this is where I stayed, coming up for short breaths occasionally, enjoying how the scorching water melted most of my lingering soreness away. After what must have been a good 45 min of seclusion, the water had sadly turned cold so I forced myself back to reality. It was time to get dressed and join Emily and Sam for dinner.

Getting dressed, like most other things now, had turned into a struggle. One that always left me panting in exhausting and feeling more the inadequate. The fact that Fork's weather required one to wear multiple layers this time of year only added to my misery and by the time I was fully dressed I had newly formed beads of sweat dripping off of my forehead. _You are so ridiculous Bella, wipe your face and go down to dinner they are all probably waiting on you. _The last thing I wanted to be here was a burden of any type. But all thoughts of hurrying up quickly vanished when I caught a glimpse of a total stranger in the mirror above the sink. _Who is this monster? _I thought staring at the mirror.


	12. march pt4

I had never thought of myself as any great beauty, even felt slightly ordinary at times, there really isn't anything special about brown hair and brown eyes. But this lady I saw reflected back at me wasn't just ordinary, she was revolting. Her skin was yellow, sunken in even, as if she was a walking corpse. Her eyes where no longer a warm, they were a cloudy and bloodshot, her hair was a dull matted mess, and worst of all, her entire left cheek was peppered with angry red nics and scars. She wasn't Bella, she was a beaten broken down animal.

I reached a shaky hand out towards the mirror, rubbing my finger over the new distorted version of myself, running my other hand along my now bumpy cheek. I had known my face had been cut by the shattered lamp of my celine fan, but I hadn't had the chance to see the damage first hand. It churned my stomach and made my legs start to tremble. _You didn't deserve him before, now look at you _I thought allowing the self-pity to overtake me completely for the moment. And then I remembered my leg and was suddenly filled with an urgent need to see how badly that too was damaged.

It took me considerably less time to rip off all the clothes I had struggled to change into only a few minutes before, now fueled by rage and fear. The bandages around my leg were a different story though, no matter how hard I pulled the strong fibrosis gauze refused to rip apart. In my frenzy I fell into a weeping pile onto the floor, taking with me whatever beauty products had been neatly lined up on Emily's sink. _Now you are even less worthy of him _I thought bitterly as I pressed my hot face down onto the cold dusty floor. There was a soft rap outside the door and I knew Emily had come to check on me.

"Bella, doll you need to scoot out of the way of the door so I can come in" Emily whispered, her voice full of concern.

"I'm fine, I uh just knocked something over but I'll, I'll clean it up." There was no way I was going to allow anyone to see me like this. "Please, please just go away." I added meekly before sub-coming once again into broken sobs.

Emily took no head of my request, instead I soon found myself staring into a pair of dark green eyes squinting at me from underneath the door crack. "look at me sweetheart," she said with some force "I am going to lay right here with you until you are ready to let me in. You can take your time, but know, I won't be going anywhere." She held such conviction in her voice that I knew there would be no swaying her and there wasn't a chance in hell I was going to let her lay on the floor while I wallowed in my selfish misery. I didn't have enough strength to dress myself again so I simply grabbed a town to cover myself and scooted away from the door slightly.

Within an instant Emily had rushed in and gently positioned herself behind me, her arms cradling me to her chest. The comfort causing me to let it all go once again, and together the two of us just sat there for sometime, allowing my tears to fall freely, it was a wonderful release. When I ran dry I knew it was time to explain myself to her.

"I'm sorry Em. I just, I couldn't get my bandage off and I needed to see... look at the mess I've made... already a hassle" I whispered hoarsely.

She didn't answer me. Instead, she grabbed a pair of scissors from the cabinet and began gently clipping away at the bandages. I held my breath and watched as my leg was slowly revealed, keeping sure to stay as detached from the situation as possible. My eyes twitched as they peered down at the atrophied foreign limb. The majority of it was opaque, translucent even, from spending so long shielded under the bandages, but this only made the long, jagged, hand width size wound stand out even more. A celine fan blade had embedded itself into my leg that night, and the wound it left was now a deep rust color from the iodine that had long ago dried onto it. It ran the length of my entire leg, and was full of ghastly black stitches. Just as I had feared, the scar that would be left on my leg was much worse then the tiny ones on my face.

Shuddering I whispered to myself "I look like a rag doll... truly disgusting."

"Isabella, what do you see when you look at my face?" Emily asked. "Am I disgusting to you?"

Her question shocked me, I hadn't realized that I could be upsetting her as well. Even with her scars she was still one of most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her eyes alone held more passion, honesty, and love then words could ever describe. "Emily you are gorgeous I would never think that about you" I said earnestly.

"And, what about Sam, have you ever seen him look at me in repulsion?"

Now, that was a foolish question, I had caught Sam staring at Emily many times before but it was most certainly never in repulsion. Love, lust, admiration, and occasionally guilt, yes, but never disgust. I was absolutely sure Sam loved Emily with every fiber of his being so I vehemently shook my head no in answer to her question. "Well then," she smiled, "I guess that means you are just as beautiful too, let me get you cleaned up and lets go eat Sam is finishing up grilling some burgers for us."

By us she meant the entire pack of course. They were all outside around a long weathered picnic table despite the frigate weather. There was one clear empty spot at the table, Jake's spot, right on the other side of Sam. For now it would be mine, and the guilty irony was not lost on me, though no one else seemed to feel awkward about it.

"Hey Vamp girl! We saved you some burgers, but you better hurry up, they won't last long" Seth chuckled as he got up, helping me to sit down. He eyed me skeptically, "you look like an Eskimo under all those coats" he laughed, "ten bucks says you start sweating before dinner is up, we tend to make all the girls hot."

"That's enough Seth," Sam scolded, as he fought to control his own chuckles. "Lets give our guest some time to settle herself, she shouldn't have to deal with all our nonsense just yet" he winked at me.

"You too Mr." Emily chimed in, "your not so innocent either, why don't you make Bell up a Sammy Special."

Emily's words caused to Sam to groan loudly, he apparently wasn't too fond of the nickname. "I'll be happy to fix her up good with a Sam Spectacular burger but I don't know anything about any Sammy, you brat."

The burger was delicious and before I knew it I had gobbled down two of them. I was also surprised to find that I was sweating, and I tried to quietly slip out off some of my layers. But Seth quickly announced to everyone that I now owed him ten bucks. It was impossible not to laugh at this, impossible not to feel at ease around this family. The wolf were always going to apart of me whether Edward liked it or not.

* * *

The next week flew by quickly, with my days being preoccupied with the going ons of rowdy obnoxious boys, and the doating Emily I hardly had time to worry about the future. Charlie came to visit me on my third day there, looking more aged by the day. It didn't seem he would rest until he had captured my "attacker." The look of him left me distraught, but Sam made feel at ease by announcing him and Billy Black already had a plan in the works that would quickly put an end to Charlies "case" The wolfs were always doing that so effortlessly, easing my mind like it was their one purpose in the world. It was very flattering.

It was only at night when I was alone in my room when I would allow some of my raw emotions to creep back to the surface. It was then that I would make my attempts at finding them, sending futile emails out to all the Cullens, and even Jake. I knew it wouldn't work but had to do anything in my power to try. I was also trying in earnest to just simply find any vampire, anyone that may possible change themselves. But that was even more of a ridiculous idea, I knew there was really only one more I could make but it was one that would hurt Charlie the most. I had to find the Volturie they would either change me or end me, either way putting me of my misery. It would mean I would have to go on the senior trip and then slip away from everyone and I would probably never return home to my father. I rationalized it as much as I could though, I had never been a good edition to Charlie's serene life, so it would be best for me to leave it a quick and painless as possible, like pulling off a band-aid super fast.

By the end of that first week, I knew it was time to get myself back to school. I would have to once again play the part of the healed happy girl in order to able to go on the spring trip. I didn't have much time before everyone left and I feared Charlie and the wolfs were going to put up a fight on this one. Emily still seemed to be on my side, and I suspected she even knew exactly what I was up to. But she still stood by me, and even helped to convince Sam and Charlie that I was ready to go back to school. Everything now all rested on my and how well of an actress I had become.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: After seeing the review of my last chapter, along with a few emails I received, I have decided to speed things up a bit. I realize the nature of a fanfiction is not quite the same as other stories, and though I had planned on have lots detailed thoughts and experiences with Bella prior to leaving for Italy, I think its best if I just put those ideas into summary. So there will be this very breif summary and then one chapter of letters. That way we can move along and get to what the story summary had promised, Italy and Edward. If anyone is interested in the more detailed story please feel free to email me. And I am writing a co-story from EPOV as some of you have asked for that and I love the idea. **

**On another note, I have just started writing a little non-fanfiction on the sister site, Screen name is the same if anyone is interested in checking it out. Thanks everyone! **

* * *

Finding a suitable facade at school turned out to be an unnecessary worry of mine. This time while I was away, the small town rumor mill had worked its charm, and within the first few minutes of my return to Forks high I quickly realized that people no longer regarded me as the Cullen freak. I was now some sort of woman warrior with the battle scars to prove it. Normally this kind of attention would of sent me into a panic, but it somehow it worked much to my advantage. Regaining my friends, as task I was dreading, was a necessity to convince Charlie to let me go to Italy, and now it wasn't something I had to worry about for no one could seem to get enough of "Ballsy Bella."

It was even easier calming down Charlie because, well, truthfully I was honestly feeling much better. Having Edward's love back made it possible to bear anything again. Every few days I would have lunch with Charlie, and sometimes make it a point to bring along Angela or Jessica. He was still completely consumed with his mission of finding my attacker, but it clearly relaxed to see some spark of life within my eyes. And I no longer felt so bad about sending him on a wild goose chase because Sam and the boys had done started sending Charlie clues that would eventually lead him to finding another man.

But those concerns were all too preemptive, I was about to embark on the gamble of my life against the house of volutarie, and the house almost always wins. There was more then a good chance that these would be the last few weeks of my life, that I would die and never see my Edward again. But even with this knowledge I felt at peace. If I died then I will have died trying to get the only thing in life that mattered. There was no point to idly wasting away my life without him, I was no longer going to be passive about my fate, I would solve this problem one way or another. But I did have a few letters to write just in case the end was in fact the end of my life.


	14. letters

**A/N: I do apologize for the delay in getting back to this story. I have been working on other original things for once, which I am very excited about. But alas, I can only go so long before having to step back into Forks for a dose of Edward. I also have been inspired with another twilight story idea, which I have slowly but surly started working on too. If anyone was waiting on this, thanks for being patience. **

Emily,

Thank you for all your help, I wouldn't of even had a chance at happiness if it wasn't for you. You have been my guiding light for sometime now, like an angel sent down to save me. Please give the first two letters to Charlie as soon as he is notified by my school. Save the other letters just in case you have not heard from me within a year. I hope it will not come to that, but I needed to provide them with some sort of closure just in case.

Thanks again and please keep looking after all of these wonderful boys

Bella

Charlie,

I know leaving you right now is wrong and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things when it comes to you dear father, because whether you believe it or not, I truly love you. Please understand that I am doing this because I have no choice. You especially know that Bella hasn't been around in a quite a long time. I have to do what it take to get her back for you, for mom, and for myself. Taking some time away from everyone and everything here in Italy will help me to do this. Please know that I will be ok, this is not a decision I made lightly. And, please do not feel like any of this is your fault. You are a wonderful father to me but I am now a woman and I need to make my own choices. I wish I'd have had the courage to leave you properly, rather then sneaking off like a unruly teenager. Please forgive me, I hope this will not be goodbye forever, just farewell for now. I will be in touch daddy, but please, please do not come looking for me.

All my love always and forever

Isabella

Mom,

You of all people will understand that sometimes a person has to do something so totally and completely selfish even if it will hurt the ones they care of most. I have no desire to hurt you, or Charlie but I must take care of myself because otherwise I know I am going to slip away and die. This is what I have to do, I must stay here in Italy for a while. I need to be alone and I need you to understand that you have raised me well and therefore I can take care of myself. It is understandable that you will be angry with me mom, I deserve nothing less. But I hope one day you can forgive me and maybe even trust me again. I will be in touch when I can but it will be a while before I am ready to talk. Please, trust me and do not come looking for me.

I love you

Bella

Daddy,

If you are reading this now Dad then I am never to return from Italy. I know I had told you that it wouldn't be goodbye forever and I wish I had been able to come through with that promise. But I need you to know that whatever has happened to me I do not regret coming here. I needed to at least try and find some peace for myself, and even though I have seemed to have failed, at least now I can get some rest. The only thing I could ever ask of you is to please live your life to the fullest. Do not mope for me because it is you and mom who gave me all the joy and pleasure in the world. Find someone to love and cherish dad, enjoy every single second you are given on this earth, and know that I will be busy getting heaven ready for you. I still don't think this is goodbye forever daddy...

love

Isabella

Mommy,

I am going to keep this short for two reasons. One I hope you will never have to read this, and two I think you already know how I feel about you. I just want to thank you mom. Thank you for being the most loving, warm, and wonderful woman I have ever met. Please forgive me for putting you through this pain but you must not let my mistakes tarnish your happiness. I knew the risks I was taking in running away to Italy. I made my peace with the chance of something awful happening here. If you must cry, please do so sparrinly, this world would be lost without your bubbly laugh. And, if you can, please look after Charlie. I really screwed him up.

Thanks mommy see you on the other side

Bella

Edward,

I had to try to get back to you, because when I said you already had my soul I meant it. I am so very sorry if I have caused you any pain. The very thought of that brings me to my knees in agony. Edward, you gave me purpose in the world, you showed me where I was supposed to be. I am so very thankful to have something worth fighting to the death for Edward. I have no regrets, only wishes. I wish for you to stay strong for your family, for me. I am already gone Edward so there is nothing left for you to fight for. Do not risk your life for a ghost. Please just carry my memory with you and enjoy the rest of time for me. It just was not our time yet but we are meant to be Edward so one day we shall see each other again. Do this one last thing for me love. Live.

I will be watching and waiting with nothing but patience and love

Bella

Jake,

You are my best friend Jake, and I didn't treat you very kind. Yet I still feel that you fear I am the one who is upset. So let me tell you one last time. You are and have always been dear to my heart. You never hurt me and I have never been mad at you. I have nothing but thanks to give to you for putting up with me. Please enjoy your life and don't worry about me. Maybe one day I will be back and we can pick up where we left off. But I understand that is not something you wish to do.

Take care

Bella

The Cullen Family,

I am so very sorry to have torn your lovely family apart. You mean more to me then I could ever express in words. Alice, you are my sister and my best friend forever please help me to make Jasper understand that I love him too. Emmett, I had always wanted a big brother and I found that with you from the moment we met. I need you to take care of Edward, watch him like a hawk please. Rose, I admire you and I only wish we had time to really get to know each other. Carlise and Esme, what can I say? I am in awe that I have been lucky enough to be blessed with not one set of wonderful parents, but two. It is because of all of you that I can die in peace, a whole person who knows who she is.

Thanks you all

Bella


	15. April pt1

**a/n: I think there are few people reading this and if you are I thank you very much. I know I am new to this and that there are lots and lots of great stories on there to choose from. **

From the second I touched down in Italy I knew theremust be more then one God in this world. The being that created the sky in Forks could not possible of painted the sky here in Italy. Breathtaking was not the correct word for this, it was actually life giving. Forks was gray, green at best, while Italy was brown and gold. The air, warm and sweet, tasting of honey and grapes from the endless rows of winerys. I didn't know if it was this actual magic of this place, or the fact that I knew I was one step closer to my goal, but Italy suited me quite well.

So well, that I quickly made the decision to stay out my time with the class rather then slip away during our first night. I could afford one last hurrah as a human, and there was no better place to do so then here. Plus this way everyone would have a chance to enjoy their trip without my disappearance lurking over their heads. There was no way I would ever steal this experience away from them.

The school had arranged for us to stay at a small bed and breakfast place just outside the city limits. It was quant, the kind of place where stress simply melts away upon crossing over the entrance. And, I was happy to find that Angela, and not Jessica, had been assigned as my roommate. She would not press me for unwanted conversation, and she also had a slight grasp on the Italian language having begun to study it soon after our trip destination was announced. She always was one to over prepare for things.

"prendali prego alla La Fenice di Teatro," Angela repeated mechanically from the book her nose had been stuck in since settling into our room for the night. "I think I should be able to get the Gaundly driver to take us where we actually want to do tomorrow" she laughed to me. On our first alone explorating time we had managed to get ourselves lost more less then four times. Though it didn't matter to me. I was content to go wherever, enjoying disgusting amounts of gelato, pizza, pasta, really anything I could get into my mouth. It had been so long since food had actually tasted good to me.

"Sounds good Ang, I am fine with just bumming around anywhere" I said as I popped another bite of eclair into my mouth. "But I do need to find a bookstore at some point," I had planned on picking up a few more travel guide and language books to help me find my way to voltuire. I knew I would never learn enough from Angela in two weeks.

"Wow there Bella, everyone thought you lost so much weight because of all you went though last year, now I'm thinking it is because you wanted to be able to put those 50 lbs all back on here!"

"Oh my, your right I should stop" I answered sheepishly.

"No way Bells, you really DO need to put 50 lbs back on. I'm just so happy to see you happy, now let me see if I can get us to that bookstore for you..." Angela replayed before digging back into her book. She was such a good friend, I would actually miss her.

And that is how the rest of the week went. Angela and I would stick together during structured class time, always rolling our eyes at how Jessica insisted on throwing herself at passing Italian men in an attempt to make Mike Jealous. He was oblivious of course, being totally side tracked himself by the beauty of the Italian women, which even I had to admit was an understandable distraction. The people here, like the city itself, were painfully beautiful. I was afraid to imagine what they would all look like as a vampire, but figured it would be something like the byproduct of a siren and a God mating. It was going to be more then intimating for plain Jane Bella to meet the volturi. Yet still I was peaceful and ready, knowing that with each magnification setting of the Tuscan sun, I was one step closer to Edward.

In the hours before dinner we were always allowed to go off with our partner for independent exploration. These were my favorite times of all. Angela was a joy to be with, always knowing when to be give me space. Together we explored almost every inch of the water drenched city, even stopping to do such out of character things as frivolous shopping. I made it a point to buy presents for Charlie, Renee, Emily, and Jake. I even found a dress perfectly suited for Alice, immediately purchasing it for the sole purpose of wishful thinking. But I couldn't bring myself to buy Edward a gift. I wasn't strong enough to be that hopeful yet.

Before I knew it, the last night of the Forks High trip had arrived. Everyone was to spend it dancing the night away at a small restaurant along side the water. And, though dancing was strictly out of the question for me, spending one last night with my friends was too enticing to pass up. The water twinkled with the reflection of the night sky dancing around in the ripples let off by the passing boats. But I was surprised to see that for once I wasn't the only one avoiding dancing to the music. As it turns out my fellow students were not schooled in how to dance to the slow romantic rhythms the old Italian band produced. _Edward would of felt right at home dancing here_ I thought as I watched an elderly couple lovingly sway to the music. The notion they very well could be the same age, if not younger then my Edward was not lost upon me.

Seeing the couple still so lost in love after all those years made me try to imagine where I would be in 60 years to come. Would I be alive? Wrinkled or still young? Would I be with him. I knew if I was still on earth I would have to be with him. There really wasn't any other option for me. I kept that couple in my side vision for the rest of the evening. Though, they probably wouldn't have noticed if I had choose to full out stare at them instead. They only had eyes for each other. I wondered which one of them would die first, and what the other would do after that. Somehow I knew though, that whichever of them left earth first the other would be soon to follow. And that was how it should be.

When the last note of the last song of the night, a very appropriate version of Frank Sinatra My Way, and the crumbs of cake and coffee were consumed, it was time for the Fork's high student's magical adventure to end. And for my real magical adventure to begin. I had been giving Angela slight hints throughout the week that I had no intention of returning home with her, and as we both made our way back to the inn she began to fall into a quite nervous mood. I would have to give her a better explanation, she deserved something at least.


	16. April pt2

It wasn't unusually for Angela to become quietly lost within her own thoughts, but tonight was different. Tonight, there was a thick tension in the air all around her, a void that showed up as soon as the last laughs of the evening had died off. Together, we trudged the few yards back to the hotel. I had decided to leave it alone unless she specifiably brought it up. Perhaps she would prefer not to have too much information about my plans, that way she wouldn't have to lie for me at all.

Back in our hotel we both went about the motions of packing and preparing for bed quite mechanically. I made sure Angela took all the gifts I had purchased to give to Charlie and Emily in her own bag. She did not even question why I could not just take them myself. Once everything was neatly packed and lined up by the door, we both laid down to rest. It was a futile attempt though, I was far too nervous and excited, and Angela, clearly much too tormented with worry.

"Are you sure you know what your doing Bella?" Angela's asked, her meek voice almost being lost in silence of the room. "Because, well, every cell in my brain is telling me to stop you."

"I know, and I cannot thank you enough for not doing that," I sighed. "I wasn't even sure if you knew what I was up to or not" I giggled in an attempt to ease her worry.

"Well, I'm quiet Bella, not stupid... can I, can I just ask you why, why are you planning on running away?" Her voice was barley audible now.

This was a question I could never fully answer for her. But, at least it was one I didn't have to really lie about. "I'm not running away Angie, I'm... I'm.. just taking care of myself for once. I need to be alone, I need to heal and if I don't do this I'm afraid I'm going to just cease to exists one day."

"But, but you seem better now Bella. You seem happy here-." And with that statement Angela stopped talking, realizing that I was happy here and what was why I needed to stay.

"Exactly." I whispered. "remember I'm not running away, I am an adult now. I just need some time to just be me, to figure things out."

"Well, please be careful Bells," Angela said and she crawled over into my bed. No more words needed to be spoken between us, instead we simply slept next to each other, holding hands peacefully.

What felt like just an instant later I awoke to the vibrations of my silent alarm. 3:00 AM. It was time to make my quiet getaway. Slithering as soundlessly as possible, I made my way out of the bed, leaving Angela undisturbed. _Ok Bella, you are ready for this. You are a big girl and it it time to act like it, _I thought to myself. I wasn't too thrilled about having to walk the unfamiluar streets this late at night, but it was the best way to ensure no one questioned me. I would tiptoe out the back door of the hotel, walk to just outside of the this borough and then call myself a cab. _prendalo prego alla stazione del traghetto, Please take me to the train station I over and over in my head, _Please take me to the ferry station I repeated over and over in my head. If there was one thing I was worried about it was my lack of ability with the Italian language.

The night air was crisp and cool upon my face, only adding onto my already nervous alertness. Our hotel had been on the outskirts of the city, set remotely away from any nightlife areas. Not a soul would be out here this time of night and that was a little unsettling. But luckily the moon was high and bright, leaving no need for even my emergency flashlight. The errie sound of my own echoing footsteps and wheeled luggage scared me, though I knew I must not be in too much danger since _he_ had not appeared in my head yet.

I couldn't help but smile at the thought of him in my head. I had not heard him in such a long time, and I knew that within one days time he would be going crazy inside there at me as I walk up to the knock on the front door of the volutri castle. _Well, Bella_ _at least you know you are guaranteed to see him one more time in this life_ I laughed to myself. It was a welcome distraction from the standing hairs on my arm, the mere thought of him making me unafraid once more.

Somehow, I managed to walk in the dark all 3 miles to the taxi station without one single stumble or trip. _ Not bad at all_ I boasted to myself. I should be on the ferry by sunrise, putting me into Mira by breakfast time. From there Volterra was only one 207 mile train ride away. I would be there by dinner time tonight, at the Volutri. Of course, I could very well become the main entree at their supper. Yet even with this gruesome though, I was filled with nothing but hope and anticipation as I watched the green cab pull slowly towards me. "prendalo prego alla stazione del traghetto," I said in the best Italin accent I could muster.

"signora bella di buona mattina, good morning beautiful lady," the taxi driver cheerfully yelled to me. "I will take to the ferry very good Italian by way" he said to me in his broken English. "Whatsa your name?"

"I'm Bella, thanks you very much. And your English is... how do you say... molto impressionante."

"Oh my Bella, of course, no other name would do for you beautiful Bella." he laughed as we drove away quickly. For the brefiest of seconds I was certain I had saw the image of _him_ shaking his head at me in the old taxi's exhaust fumes. _Sorry Edward I'm coming whether you like it or not,_ I thought before closing my eyes for the rest of the ride.


	17. April pt3

The ferry was nearly empty but for me and three other middle aged Italian men, all of which appeared to be headed out to some important business trip as they were all dressed in full attire. I couldn't imagine ever holding such an important job that would require me to be in my Sunday bests even before the sun has arose. But then again Italy was a whole other world, a world that made me feel frumpy even in my best of outfits.

The ship traveled east at a painstakingly slow pace, one that seemed to agitate the overworked and overstressed men. To me though, it was a pace I could appreciate, _A Bella Pace_, one that would allow me to hobble and stumble my way to the bathroom without risking landing myself deep into a watery grave. But at this very moment I had no desire to move at all, the sky was simply to captivating to be bothered with any silly human necessity. It seemed at if the boat might actually thrust itself deep into the center of the rising ball of fire. Its magnificent hues were so unlike anything I had ever seen before and I finally understood what Dante meant when he wrote "_Love that moves the sun and other stars," _a sunrise like this could only be created by love.

The train was a whole other store unfortunately. Where as the ferry lurched along at a Bella pace, calm and serene, the train shot through the Italian county side like rocket gone out of control. The car was crowded and pungent, filled with the scent of hot sticky sweat, crisp squeaky leather, and high overpowering stinky cologne that burned my nose. I was standing sandwiched between one very agitated and slightly over weight Italian man, and a nice bewildered American couple. They seemed to be sharing the same thoughts on the situation as I, _wasn't Italy supposed to be known as a laid back sort of place? _ Of course, they could actually be thinking what the hell is wrong with this crazy American girl who cannot seem to stop flaying about all over them.

_The second option seems more likely_ I thought as I clumsy knocked into the young couple, letting out a very classy "ooommmph" across the woman's face. She tried to offer me an understanding smile, but I could clearly see a grimace underneath the polite gesture and suddenly I was very aware of how long it has been since I had brushed my teeth. "I'm sorry" I mouthed too her, unable to stop my cheeks from burning bright red. It was going to be a long trip and I wasn't even entirely sure I had gotten on the right train.

Luckily after nearly and hour the crowded train seemed to thin out greatly, singling that the morning rush was coming to an end. I was able to steal a seat and settle in for the remainder of the trip, though that luxury did little to appease me. With each jolting turn of the flashy bullet train my nerves seemed to grow ten fold; I was really and truly about to present myself, like an order of Chinese take out, to an entire coven of unknown vampires. Perhaps the bad luck I thought I had been endowed with from birth was in fact just plain old idiocy. But there was no turning back now, I had made a choice and I had never been one to back away from a decision once it had been made.

At least that is what I had finally convinced myself of when the train pulled in to the Volterra station, which was a good thing because the second my foot crunched down on the slick marble flooring of the terminal Edward appeared in my face. It would seem I was going to need all the resolve I could muster to fight off my inner Edward guilt. "Isabella Marie Swan... stop this nonsense right this instant" he bellowed to me, his eyes brooding with a mixture of rage and fear. He was so real, so almost tanaible that I feared he would knock me right onto the hard ground.

_This is your fear, not his. Be strong, just walk right through him. _ I chanted to myself before plowing through the heart of my love. He disappeared instantly, though his sweet scent still remained in my head. Of course he wasn't gone for very long. In fact, he was everywhere I turned, reflected in the window, lounging by the ticket counter, blocking the taxi cab door, and each time his rants grew more desperate and vulgar. "Fuck... fuck...fuck Bella. Tell the driver to take you to the airport RIGHT FUCKING NOW." He yelled pulling his coppery hair roughly. It flopped over awkwardly into his eyes causing me to smile adoringly. My mind was being ridiculous now, Edward would never have spoken to me with such language, no matter what I had done to upset him. I was greatful for this new obviously fake vision of my love though, it made it that much easier to ignore him, and provided a much needed distraction. He was quite funny actually.

But I couldn't allow myself to become too distracted by his fascinating burning eyes, I needed to prepare for the most important meeting of my life. And I knew I would arrive anytime now. Fumbling around in my bag I grabbed a small mint green compact mirror Renee had given me on my 13th birthday. My mother had been more excited then me when I finally became a teenager, "at last old enough for makeup," she cheered. Six years later, the powder was only half gone. _Too bad my mother won't ever get to know Alice, she would of enjoyed having her around _I laughted to myself as I awkwardly applied the powder around my nose. If there ever was a time in my life I wished to be presentable now would be it.

_Of course, there is only so much I could do with the canvas I had to work with_ I thought bitterly. Even underneath a layer of cream covered powder I would always be plain old Bella. _Plain old damaged Bella actually, _I reminded myself as I tried to brush my dark hair over the pock marks on my face. _Whats done is done Bella, you never expected to become a beuaty queen anyway. _Besides having this face would make it much easier to convince the Volturi that I had discovered them on my own, _what self-respecting God of a Vampire would ever associate with the likes of me?_

Yes, I had decided from the beginning of my pilgrimage that I would have to keep my association with the Cullens a secret. If anyone knew that they had told a human of the vampire world then they could be put at great risk. Causing my family any harm was completely out of the question to me. Even though I knew that keeping them a secret probably greatly reduced my chances of walking away from this alive. Still, this was a choice I was making for myself, I would not make any choices on behalf of them.

* * *

I could easily tell which massive building was the one I needed to go to when the cab slowly pulled up to the center of the town circle. It could be no other one. The rivaled the Vatican itself, standing high above the town in all of its domed glory. To the human world this was the tomb of Saint. Areoneits, the man who single handily ride the city of all its evil monsters. But I knew better. Saint Areoneits was no saint at all, he was the evil monster. Edward had told me a little of the history of this Volutri clan, and to call it impressive would not being doing it Justice. Aro had managed to not only rise to the top of the vampire world, but learn how to coexist with, and even profit from, humans without ever refraining from hunting them. We really were a dense species.

After giving the cab driver most all the rest of my money I slowly began to make my way towards the Gothic tomb, ignoring all the blaring obscenities in my head. Even despite the evening hour, there appeared to be a small line of stragglers awaiting entrance into the tourist attraction. _More like tourist trap. _There was small sight seeing group made up of mostly elderly folk, and a few famlies and collage aged backpackers in the line. Every fiber in my body was urging me to warn these folks to run for the hills, to scream DO NOT ENTER at all costs. But I would never gain access to where I needed to be if I did that. In fact, I would most likely just end up finding myself making a very expensive collect call to Charlie from some rundown Italian jail cell. Besides, the Voltaire couldn't possible be making a meal out of every tourists group that came through their wrought iron gates, even they wouldn't be able to keep up the facade then.

So instead of becoming the crowds savior, I joined them, taking my place behind an adorable family of four. "Hi my name is Vanessa Lane Lonen but everyone calls me Nessa. I am 4 years old, whats your name," the youngest child of the family said to me, her curly blond hair bouncing up and down.

"Well, hello there. I'm Bella and I'm much much older then 4. It is very nice to meet you!" I said with forced enthusiasm all the while thinking _Please God do not let this child get hurt. _


	18. April pt 4

**A/N: Thanks to all the reviewers and people who e-mailed about the last chapter. And a big thank you to everyone for being so patient with my upload times. I have the last part of this chapter almost done too, reviews would probably make me more motivated though ;). **

* * *

The line kept growing as the minutes passed by. Having eased dropped on much of the crowd, it seemed as if the finial tour of the day here at Volturi was actually the most popular one. The night tour drew not only the religious devout, but also some thrill seeking youth out to find a good scary show. Soon our numbers grew to upwards of 50 people, a few of which sported shocking shiny red contacts. Apparently, the Volturi liked to kick up their show for the night tour. It was not something I was looking forward. I was scared and I needed a distraction. _Edward, of course._

_Edward,_

_ So here I am my love outside the walls of the one place you would never want me to go. I am sorry this will probably devastate you. But by being here I am giving myself the chance to spend the rest of eternity making it up to you. I am afraid though love. Afraid of so many things. I am afraid of this not working, I am afraid of the pain if it does work, and most of all afraid that you will not love me as a vampire. Can you still love me if I become the thing you hate? All of these are risks I must take though. Oh, I wish you could be with me though, be the one whose venom will run through my body. You will be with me in my heart and head though, probably screaming and cursing at me the whole way through! I gotta tell ya love my imaginary Edward had quite the potty mouth, you would be appalled! Well, here goes nothing- _

I put my journal away at exactly half past 7 when the murmuring crowd ceased their excited chatter and the large black gates of the castle begin to slowly creak open. From behind the bars I could see the silhouette of three ominous hooded figures stalking back and forth. They seemed anxious for the gates to allow them access to the crowd, as if they were a caged animal awaiting to attack. Every nerve in my body switched to high alert and I did my best to keep little Nessa in my line of site. She was clutching hard onto her fathers hand, her face buried deep into the crook of his elbow. "This is too scary daddy, I don't like it..." she whined. But her father just laughed and patted her head, he had no idea how truly scary this was.

When the large gate finally settled open the three figures froze and released a loud screeching howl into the darkening sky before sprawling out towards the awaiting line. They came at such a fast pace, the fastest pace possible that would still have them perceived as human by the crowd. Over and over again they sprinted up and down the line, reviling to us only their pairs of bright red eyes. But of course those sets of burning eyes were not cosmetic enhanced, they were the eyes of heartless monsters.

"Oh my, oh my, oh my" sneered one of the Vampires as he leaned in to sniff a laughing and slightly inherbrited American college boy. "What ever have we done for the Gods to bless us with such a tasty dinner" he snickered. The boy was laughing harder then the vampire though.

"tisk tisk brother, didn't the doctor tell you to watch your cholesterol" sang a beautiful but menacing Russian voice. "This boy is far... FAR... too chubby for you, his blood must be oozing with.. how do you say? Big Macs?" The crowd erupted in laughter at this joke and the woman vampire slowly stalked around looking for her chosen prey. She stopped short in front of a strikingly handsome man only a few people in ahead of me in line. "Now... this.." she said tapping the mans broad shoulder, "this... is more my taste."

"Daddy!... don't let them take my big brother" Nessa screamed loudly. Too loudly, causing the vampire woman to turn towards the young girl. "awwwwh, how cute" she mocked as she slithered her way towards Nessa. "What a delightful Amuse Bushe" she joked before reaching her hand slowly out towards the child's trembling hand.

I ground me teeth together painfully as I watched the scene play out in front of my eyes. I knew nothing would come of this, it wasn't logical for a massacre to happen on the steps of the castle. _Be logical Bella, be Brave_ I told myself in my own voice only to be countered with _no Bella be smart, be __safe, run away from here_ in Edwards sweet tone. I was battling myself both physically and mental and was quickly leaning towards trusting my instants, grabbing Nessa, and making a run for it. But luckily, the Voltri's show moved right along in a rather shocking manner.

From seemingly out of nowhere a beautiful long haired blond Vampire dropped to the ground in front of the crowd, landing in a perfect predator crouch. He must have jumped from the upper levels of the castle to make his entrance, an impossible task for a human. But by this point the crowd was so wrapped into the drama they would of never questioned the magnificent show. This angelic Vampire smiled and said in a thunderous tone, "fear not my children, Areoneits is here to save you from these hellish monsters." And in a flash the Vampire gracefully danced from monster to monster jabbing them in the heart with a trick wooden stakes. His contact colored blue eyes sparked with laughter as his fellow vampires dramatically withered to the ground in agony. The crowd erupted into applause and I couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all.

Once the last vampire's exatraited twitching stopped, they all jumped up to take their bows. "Welcome to the tour of the home of the great Areoneits, I hope you have enjoyed the first part of your show" beamed the vampire Areoneits. "if you would all kindly follow us we can begin to view the inside of the castle, and dive deeper into the story of how Areoneits, or should I say me, saved this great town from the forces of pure evil."

At last I would soon set foot into the home of the biggest, and meanest convent of vampires in the world. I took a deep breath and stepped over the threshold. As we maneuvered our way through a winding elaborate labyrinth of perfectly manicured shrubbery, I was vaguely aware of the guides explanation of it. It was some hogwashed tail of how God had sprung the bushes forth from the land as a way to confuse any vampires that came to seek revenge on Areoneits. Of course, it was in fact a very well thought out offensive structure and not one of holy defense. It would take even a brilliant human some time to find their way out of here, and therefore out of harms way. Little naive me did not stand a chance at escaping and I soon found myself thinking of the Jack Nicholson in the Shining.

The drawing room of the castle was less intimating then the yard, but it was no more helpful to me. It was set up to resemble a Victorian sitting room, consisting of dusty old tables, a stone hearth and many religious books. On the walls laid many paintings of the supposed Areoneits and his famed family. I scanned the oils canvases slowly in search of some recognizable figures. It took but only a second to find the sullen face of Carlise, standing in line behind the great Areoneits. It was the same painting that hung in Carlise's old office. Swallowing back the lump in my throat, I asked the fake Areoneits "Who are the other men in this painting?"

The question did not seem to phase the vampire and he quickly answered dryly "oh why these men are Areoneit's great disciples. After saving the town from the Vampires Areoneits called for any brave man who was able to come forth and give themselves to God's service."

"Sweet, they are like God's army" boasted the fat man from the crowd. "But how come there are so few of them... I guess men back then were pansies...haha." He laughed as he proudly gave his buddies high fives.

"hmmm.. I would hardly say that fat man." the vampire guide sneered. "There are many a men who have served next to Areo, these were just his favorites at this particular time." The fat man had struck a nerve with the vampire. "Now lets move on with the tour shall we. We should get through this just in case any real vampires decided to show up."

The next five rooms were just as stages, silly and pointless. The crowd of course was eating it all up joyfully. Even Nessa seemed to have come around to embrace the magic of the castle. But I was growing tired of it all, but had still yet to find a way to sneak away.

"Well my tasty ladies and gentleman" said one of the vampires "that concludes our tour but if you follow me this way I will take you to our wonderful gift shop, perhaps you would like a nice bottle of bloooooood."

_Crap, crap crap, you have to do this now Bella. Just do it. Do it for Edward, if you don't do it now then you might as well have stayed home and lived out a miserable life without him. _ Slowly, I inched my way towards the female vampire. For some reason I felt going to her would be the safest choice, though I didn't know why. She stood by the entrance to the gift shop, her clock still firmly in place, her red eyes scanning the room with much boredom and disdain. Once I got within a few feet of her though she focused her burning orbs onto me with modest curiosity.

"How can I help you silly human" she joked from within her character.

"Oh... oh... well... um that, the uh... "

"Are you handicapped human, if not please spit whatever trivial need you have out already or be on your way," she replied with growing annoyance.

_Right _I thought _spit it out_. "Well that tour was cute and all but I didn't come here for the show... I'm here, well I am here to meet Aro not to see the story of some make believe saint. Can you, can you take me to the real Volturi, the real Vampires, to Aro and Caius and Marcus."


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Ok so the last part of this chapter has grown way larger then I first thought it would. I think it is best to split it up again but I promise the final part will be up by Saturday and Bella will finally be talking to Aro. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy every single review I ever get. **

* * *

It was as if time stood still, those few moments after I spoke those quite snotty words to the female vampire. At least that is how it felt to me. I was aware of the happenings around me, the people stupidly shoveling their money away on worthless knick nacks, the echoing of the many church bells in the distance telling me that time had in fact not stopped, and the painful, burning stare of four very interested vampires. I was aware, but I was unable to focus on any one thing in particular, the insistent thumping of my petrified heart was almost completely overtaking my mind.

Even though all of the vampires in the room clearly were able to have heard my words, not one of them made any attempts to move from their positions. But the woman in front of me had now broken out into a sinister and joyful smile. We all understood that we had to wait until the tourist finished their shopping before anything else could be done. And tourist were never one to be swift, I learned that from years of Renee carting me around to see all the quirky tourist traps of the American south west. Nessa was being exceptionally difficult, throwing a tantrum over some cross shaped lollipops. I was quickly starting to come unglued by all the tense waiting, sweat poured off my forehead stinging my eyes and I knew that if something didn't happen soon I would eventually faint.

"Ok folks, I'm sorry to say that we the shop is closing in five minutes so please make your finial selections and head towards the register." The woman vampire cheerfully announced without moving an inch away from me. Under her breath I heard her whisper "Don't you dare faint on me human, your gonna walk out of here with the rest of those pink piggies just like nothing has occurred." If she thought her words would have a calming affect on me she was sadly mistaking. I had come so far and the thought that I had some how managed to totally fail at even getting my foot in the door was almost crippling. _Were they really just going to pretend they didn't hear what I said?_

"What... what? No!" I panicky whispered.

"If you think we would risk one of these piggies noticing you not leaving with them then you really are too stupid to help. Not that you are much of anything to notice" she laughed. "Well, I guess that is not true either, humans tend to notice other humans who are freakishly disfigured."

I couldn't help but shudder at her insult. She was painfully correct of course but that didn't change anything, I still had to stay here. "Please, I will tell everyone if I have to." It was an empty threat but she didn't have to know that.

"Some how I just don't believe you child, but even if you do... well ha who would believe you? I hope you have nice life, you should be relived because I surely wouldn't mind indulging myself tonight... you do.. smell sweet."

And, before I could even reply with another desperate attempt to change their mind, all four vampires were gone. Leaving too fast for my eyes to even register where they had went. I was once again safe amongst only my fellow humans, but I didn't feel relief of any sort. I didn't belong with these people, but I was paralyzed by indecision because the woman wasn't actually wrong. It would be problematic if I somehow got the Volturi noticed by the public. It could even cause trouble for the Cullens. I had not really thought this through...

Slowly, I shuffled my way into the gaudy gift shop and ideally choose a random item from the shelf. _Just keep up appearances, leave and re-group yourself Bella this is not over. _ I was slightly jolted when I got to the register to find the inpatient clerk waiting on the stragglers was human rather then vampire. She tapped her perfectly manicured fingernails on the counter as she stared down her nose at me with judgmental green eyes. Her name tag read Gianna and from the instant our eyes met I could feel the hate she had for me oozzing out of her.

"Are...are you human?... Gianna?"

" è l'azzurro del cielo?" She replied with a roll of her eyes. I didn't know what she said but I could tell she had understood me.

"Do you... know?" I persisted. Her only response to this was a slight smile and shrug. She knew. She knew everthing about who she worked for. "But...how... and more importantly... why?" I wondered out loud.

At these words her face quickly turned angry as she said in perfect English, "Oh I don't think you and I are all that different Missy, we both desire to be special and so we do whatever we can to get there. But as you can see, you are quite late, they already have their human pet. Maybe once I have been changed you can try again. Now, … that," she said pointing to the stack of post cards in my hand, "will be 5 Euros please."

I paid her the outrageous price and turned to excused myself back towards the rest of the group awaiting back by the drawing room. Most were excitedly discussing whether or not they wished to attempt the great labyrinth on their own. Forging through it at night seemed like a great experience to some, while others didn't wish to go all that way again, opting to follow the signs to the bypass. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't of had to even think about, the bypass would have been the way to go, even with the fact that the signs for it seemed to lead down a dark and sketchy hallway. But now I needed to hang back and see where the majority of folks would end up. It made more sense for me to go with the smaller crowd, even if that meant traversing the labyrinth.

It seemed my Bella luck was running at its full force tonight. The labyrinth would be the way I had to go, with only three other brave strapping young men decided to give it a try. _Maybe I could just walk around for a few minutes and then sneak away back to the castle? _This seemed like more then wishful thinking on my part, but it was the best plan I had so I decided to stash the luggage I had been carting around in the lobby bathroom. It was mostly full of gifts for the Cullens anyway, and the only way I would ever see them again was if I somehow found a way back into the castle.

As soon as the four of us stepped out of the large castle doors they clicked with a deafening lock. _Could something please just be easy for once? _I thought to sadly to myself. The boys were completely oblivious to my inner turmoil. Together, the four of us peered out into the sickeningly dark maze. It had not one light illuminating it and I could only imagine how much joy a vampire got from watching the funny humans fumble around like a lost lab rat. The boys, on the other hand, looked to the challenge with much exaggerated testosterone, hooting and hollering, before all three ran off in different directions. My steps would be much more tentative and calculated. I walked with my hands outstretched directly in front of myself, shuffling along down towards the first fork in the road. I was determined to remember each twist and turn I would make.

It didn't take long for my arms to grow tired and it wasn't much longer after that when my love appeared to me once again. He tried to help me maneuver my way out, he desperately wanting to get me off of the grounds. But he knew only what I knew, and I knew nothing. The bushes were prickly, the ground slippery and wet and I really didn't have much resolve left. "_Please Bella, just keep going you will find the end eventually so long as you don't give up." _my Edward sang to me. But I really didn't want to find the end. I should of just stayed at the door and awaiting out the night. They would had to have opened up again in the morning. Now I was wet, tried, and covered in microscopic scratches. I would have to stay the night here in the maze, and find my way back to the castle once the sun rose. Plopping down to the ground, I began passing the time by mentally chastising my own idiocy, not even noticing the sinister chuckling coming from behind me.

I heard Edward's screams in my head long before any physical pain registered in my head. But once white hot pain hit, Edwards voice was immediately silences. Someone had grabbed hold of both my ankles out from under me and I could feel the bones crushing, the tendons burning and ripping. I was being dragged against the damp pavement face first, and dragged fast. I tried to walk on my hands to save my face from further scarring but the speed was just too much to keep up with and my jaw soon bashed back down to the ground. When I felt the cold sting of my teeth chipping and tasted the copper blood in my mouth I prayed for the same dark comfort that had engulfed me after Jake's accidental transformation.

But my body was too pumped with adrenaline, there would be escaping this pain. I felt every single scrap and bump, and all 17 steps that led back into the castle.


	20. April pt 6

**A/N:** **Ok this is shamefully late, AND the chapter has seem to of taken on a life of its own so...it is still not complete. But I did reach an ok point to stop at so I will just go ahead and put this part up now. Many, many apologizes folks. **

* * *

I stopped fighting when we entered back into the main hall, this was what I had wanted and there was no point in fighting against a vampire. Besides, compared to the cement steps, the cold marble hallway felt like a welcome caress upon my face compared. Instead I took to starting at the zigg zagged trail of blood my body was making along the stark white hallway; it both fantasied and satisfied me. At least my death would cause someone an inconveniences as this mess would have to cleaned up before they could open to the public once again. Some how the idea of an aggregated vampire wiping up my blood brought joy to the situation.

We made out way quickly down the now familiar lobby, twisting and turning along the corridors until the vampire deposited me in a heap upon the carpeted floor of a massive library.

"whoops girl, I really did try to be gentle on your tiny legs" she apologized, though their was little concern behind her words. "You are just so weak, they will probably be angry with me for that." She was the same woman I had spoken with at the gift shop, I was sure of it now even if I could no longer see clearly through the streaming blood on my face. Leaning down towards my eyes the woman whispered to me "Now, that ugly face of yours, I did mean to do that, and I do say- it is quite an improvement actually."

If she thought she was going to rile me up with her hateful words she would be sorely disappointed, I was at deaths door and never to see my love again, caring about my physical appearance was the last thing on my mind. Honestly, I didn't care about anything at all, not even the white hot pain pulsating throughout my body. I knew soon enough it would all be over, an end would come even if it wasn't the end I had been hoping for, it was an end nevertheless.

The woman was agitated by my lack of response and began to shuffling through a large bookshelf full of the classics with much haste, her fingernails running loudly along the spines until she found the book she was looking for. "The art of war, Aro's favorite" she softly chuckled before pulling the book out slightly. To my surprise this movement caused the entire bookshelf to open up, revealing a winding set of cobble stone stairs. _The real Volturi_ entrance I thought, of course they would all live underground like the dirty rats they were.

The woman carried me unusually gently down the stone steps, and walked me down a twisty and confusing set of tunnels before unceremoniously dropping me to the floor of a vault like room. "How about you try not to die before Aro sees you," she snarled at me before leaving me alone. It seemed as if maybe she had not been giving permission to do such arm to me. But She did not have to anything to worry about because I planned on doing my damnedest to get my time with Aro before I allowed myself to subcome to death. I only hoped he would arrive quickly as I didn't know how much fight was actually left inside me.

After a few silent moments in the room it became clear that the woman would not return anytime soon. I had to try to stabilize my injuries myself or I would not last much longer. But this room seemed to barren of anything useful to me, in fact, it seemed to be completely empty but for one wooden chair in the center of the grand room. Taking off my shirt I tied it into a tourniquet for my leg, as my right ankle bone had broken through my skin and was causing most of my bleeding. Once that was secure I was able to calm my breathing and heart rate down enough to actually assess the rest of myself- with the help of my love of course.

_"Bella love, I need you to breath slowly. You did great with your leg that was perfect. Now I need you to check yourself over everywhere starting with your head." _Edward's voice in my head was so soft it was hardly audible. He was no longer mad at me, no longer trying to to stop me from this destructive path, now he was here to take care of me. "_use your hands love and gently start touching __your head, find where the heavy bleeding is coming from. Focus love you must find it and you must stay awake." _

He was right of course but I really didn't want to know how bad it was. Tentatively, I ran my fingers through my matted hair wincing with each tender spot I found. _"Good, good nothing on the back of your skull is broken open, they are all just bruises. Now move on to your forehead and face." _ I knew that this is where the worst of my damage should be and so I braced myself for what I may find. "_Ok love use your socks, wipe the blood from your eyes, run your fingers around them..." _When I wiped it away a hot pain was immediately reignited on my head, and blood began to pour a new down towards my eyes. "_Ok you have large scrape on your forehead, use one sock to press onto it until the bleeding stops. This will keep the blood out of your eyes and help it stop faster." _Edward was sounding more and more calm and collected, more like Carlise with every passing minute. It was comforting.

_"Ok love, take one finger and lightly touch the tip of your nose for me." _

"Fuck!"Sharp pain shot through my entire skull as I did what he asked.

_"Broken love, I'm sorry, use the other sock and dabb the blood away. Wet it if you have to for any crusty stuff. We need to get you cleaned up as much as we can before they come back."_ Yes he was right of course it would be wise to not be completely soaked in blood when meeting with a human eating vampire. It was rather strange how the woman vampire hadn't even seem to be phased by my blood at all.

After I had cleaned up most of the blood from my face I continued on with the exploration, listening to Edward softly list out his diagnoses of me. "_left cheek bone is_ _broken, jaw dislocated love- do not try to talk or open your mouth, use your tongue for me and feel our teeth...1 2 3 chipped and one missing you probably swallowed it, don't worry about that..." _ I was growing woozy as I discovered just how hurt I really was.

_"No love," _Edward suddenly said harshly _"you cannot be sick right now, focus and keep moving your hands down."_ His commanding tone did a fairly good job at pushing the vile vomit back down my throat. "_Just feel your chest and ribs for me carefully love, then you can be done I promise." _

This was easier said then done as each tiny touch I gave myself sent new waves of unbearable pain through my chest. "_Ok stop, you have at least a few broken ribs... they may even be broken enough to puncture something else," _his calm demeanor was alarmingly fading. "_try to take smaller breaths for now just in case." _Small breaths were not a problem for me, between my dislocated jaw and broken nose, I was have a hard time taking any breaths whatsoever.

_"I'm sorry love I need you to do one more thing for me, you will be too cold on the floor and you are already close to going into shock. I... I need you to crawl to the chair." _

"_No Edward I can't...I just can't do it."_ I thought back to him sadly.

_"Of course you can love, you can do anything. Just look at where you are... just look at all you have done. I want to to slide yourself on your bottom, use your hands to pull, please love, do it for me." _

_"ok I will try." _And so I did. Slowly, and ever so painfully I inched myself across the room and up into the chair. It felt like the task may have taken me days and by the time I was settled every drop of energy I had left was spent.

_"Wonderful job love, you are so strong. Now you can rest those eyes. I will stay with you I promise." _ And so I did that too, allowing the world to go back to black at last.

* * *

"Jane you have really crossed a line here, you know better then to play with father's toys."

"Well obviously it was an accident... she is even weaker then most humans."

_ "Jane. Jane must be the name of the woman who took you love. I know you are awake now but they have yet to realize this. Keep your eyes shut, play close attention, learn everything you can..." _Edward was still with me just as he had promised. Even though I knew it was all an illusion I was still filled with hope and happiness at the sound of his magical voice.

_"I told you I wouldn't ever leave you again silly girl now focus please."_

"Well it is no matter, he is going to be royally upset with you. He was more then a little intrigued when I told him all the people this one had mentioned to you, and he definitely had meant what he said about keeping her unharmed."

"Jesus what was I supposed to do?" Jane yelled. "I couldn't even get into her damn head!"

_"Remember that love, it seems important she couldn't get into your head." _I wondered if that ment she was trying to read my mind like Edward and hadn't been able to either.

"Alright, alright calm down sister. I will do my best to heal her up before father arrives...but you owe me. Her blood is especially sweet, it is burning the hell out of me..."

"Thanks Alec."

With those last words, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. _"he is giving you a drug love, you'll be asleep again soon. Focus on remembering, say it over and over again... Jane can't get in your head, Alec is her brother, Aro didn't want you harmed yet..." _

Frantically I started to repate it all..._Jane, Alec, brother, head, Aro is intrigued..., Jane, Brother, intrigued, Jane..._ And then, yet again, I was lost to the dark silence.


	21. April pt 7

**A/N: I don't know how I feel about this one, please let me know what you think!**

_ Beep hiss beep beep hiss._

_Who ever had invented the alarm clock had to of been a masochist. _I was not anywhere near ready to wake up and yet that damn noise was so annoying persistent, coming and going at such an odd rhythmical pace.

_Beep hiss, beep...beep hiss. _

It was so loud, it was as if it was coming from inside my chest. _Did I eat the damn alarm clock_ I chuckled bitterly to myself.

_Beep hiss, beep...beep hiss. _

This had to be stopped. I simply was not going to get up today. Charlie would have to handle his own breakfast for once. I am taking a vacation.

_Beep hiss, beep...beep hiss. _

_Damnit! Actually I think it is Charlies turn to take care of me just this once, he can come turn this godforsaken sound off because I know it wasn't me who set it in the first place. _I went to release an angeried yell for my dear father, but when I opened my mouth all that came out was a sickly gargle. There was something in my mouth. No, something stuck all the way down my throat, which was burning and itching as if I had eaten a million fire ants. Panic was quickly setting in and I could feel my stomach flipping and heaving as it tried to reject whatever was invading my air way.

"Mmmmmahhhhh" I yelled while I began to thrash about my bed. Only it wasn't my bed of course, it was much too hard, in fact, it felt like I was laying on a plank of wood instead of my warm pillow top mattress. I had absolutely no idea where I was, or what the hell had happened to me. But I did know who I wanted, no who I needed, to help me. Edward. My Edward will come for me.

"Edwammmarrh" I groggled out, causing a another set of dry heavs to start anew. But the pain in my stomach was well worth it because before I even finished calling him, there he was in all his beautiful glory.

"_Shhhh love, I'm here relax your body, do not try to breath." _

_ "wha... what, why. I'm I... have I been changed?" _

At that question all his naturally perfect features contorted. Of course I hadn't been changed, not if he was here still in my head.

"_No love you are still you, there is just a machine breathing for you right now. Focus yourself on my eyes please. I need you to remember where you are, remember what happened." _

His eyes were desperately pleading with me to listen to him, he never seemed to realize that I would do anything he needed. "_Ok, Edward I'm trying. Please tell me what I need to know." _

"_Good girl" _he smiled before starting in on the whole gruesome tale. He was graphic and I was able to remember ever painful detail but somehow having those awful words delivered to me from the voice of an angle seemed to soften the blow. I was badly injured from having survived a vampire attack. _Big whoop, this wasn't anything I hadn't heard before_. But of course I knew this time was different though, this time I was alone and my life was still firmly placed in the hands of some very angry and probably hungry vampires.

"_How long have I been here darling" _I asked Edward causing his eyes to darken and cloud in confusion. _Right. Your not real, you only know what I know and I have no clue how long I have been here. _These two realizations were more painful then the memory of my attack returning. Edward wasn't real, and if I had been here longer then two weeks my Emily would of given my parents the second letter.

"_Bella no. You will not let yourself go down that road right now. There is no point in worrying about that. Remember, stay focused. It doesn't matter how long you have been here. You are alive. You are awake now and the vampires can certainly hear the change in your heart beats, someone will come for you soon enough so prepare yourself." _

He was right as always. It was probably even best if the rest of the world thought I was already dead. Well, the rest of the human world. _What if the real Edward... _

_ "Bella" _Edward warned, _"don't you dear worry about me, I am right here with you, please try to remember what I told you repeat in your head." _

I had no idea what he was talking about. "_when" _I asked him.

"_Its ok baby girl, just think about what is the very last thing you remember before waking up." _

I wanted to remember for him, but no matter how hard I strained the only thing that came to my mind now was how it was him who got me to drag myself across the room. This painful memory must not be what he wanted me to re-live. I was quickly becoming disgusted with myself, I could never do anything he needed me to do right. "_Relax love it is not that important, and I hear someone coming. Stay still..." _

I heard it as well, two very distinctly different sets of foot steps approaching towards me. There was the clickety clack of a high heel shoe, and the softer thud and shuffle of a nice rubber sole. Both of which were moving at an alarmingly non human speed.

"Now play nice Jane" a deep sinister voice said, "unless you want daddy to never allow you to play with your powers again, haha, if you make him angry again I bet he'll even put you on body disposal duty." He was almost hysterically laughing now.

_He, he... sounded familiar... he was Alec? Yes! Alec, Jane's brother. Jane! Can't get in your head and...and.. Aro didn't want you hurt. I did it Edward!_

_ "very good love, very good. Now you know to be weary of Jane and Alec. _

"You know, you are going to be the first one I go after when he gives me privileges back darling brother." Jane replied with out a trace of humor in her cold tone.

"Oh, I tease, I tease you dear. Really, it is more then impressive that you have lasted this long. I don't know what I would do without my power for two days let alone two months and my power isn't even as fun as yours."

"yes, well thank God this thing is is finally coming to. Now Aro can see for himself that she is nothing special and we can get on with it. I'm going to enjoy killing her more then anyone else."

_Two months, I had been in Voltaire for two months!. So it was official, Bella Swan doesn't exist anymore. I wonder how Charlie is doing? _ But even with this disturbing information it was hard to be the appropriate level of scared while listening to these two talk so nonchalantly about me. Anger was an easier response. I had done enough eavesdropping for now, and I needed to get these tubes out of my throat desperately. All it took to captivate the bickering vampires attention was a slight shift of my finger.

"Awwwh look, its trying to move." Alec teased as he forced open my eyelids to shine a bright light into them. I never knew light could be physically painful.

"haha... so pathetic, I think she wants us to take her tubes out... well, we better wait for daddies permission right."

"hmmm your right, we wouldn't want to hurt his little pet."

I couldn't stand to hear one more second of the two them, if they weren't going to take out these tubes I would just have to do it myself. Reaching up I could feel my IVS going taught but I was able to get my fingernails under the tape on my mouth. Jane and Alec stood stone still watching me, their eyes filled with a perverse pleasure that was hard to stomach, a cold hate that hide deep behind their young beautiful eyes. I almost felt for them, clearly they had been changed too young.

Flicking and scratching my nails under the tape, I began to peel it off inch by inch. The task was painfully daunting but eventually the sticky fabric ripped away from from dry cracked lips, taking a fresh pink layer of skin right along with it. Alec's nostrils flared like an angry bull as the scent of my bleeding lip no doubt filled the air, and Jane simply rolled her eyes my helpless floundering. There was no way I was going to be able to pull the tube out myself and they both knew it, reviled in it even.

"tisk tisk tisk, such a pitty isn't it Alec? What a waste of a soul that one is. It almost isn't even worth me taking it... almost..."

Alec smiled, though his jaw remained tensed. "yes, well I'd love to know how much longer they expect us to reframe when she keeps insisting on teasing us with her blood."

"Well, I'm sure one little lick won't upset anyone?" Jane smiled before easing down towards my trembling form.

I closed my eyes awaiting for her cold scaly tongue to descend onto my lips, wondering if it would be coated enough venom to harm me at all. But before she could taste a droplet of my blood Jane froze just above my face, her hard nose slightly scratching mine. "hummph, yes father" she whispered allowing her fidget breath to blow across my face. Turning to me with mouth perched and eyes squinted, she said "till later then" before gracefully running out of the room with Alec following right behind her.

"Oh dear, I do apologize for them, you know how children can be."

_Bella, this is Aro _Edward sullenly appeared again. _Be careful what you say around him, don't be fooled into anything. _

Aro in person was even more impressive then the Aro I knew from the paintings. Yes, he still looked just the same as the man hanging in Carlise's office, tall with pointed angular features, and long midnight black hair, but in the flesh he also possed a great auro around him. He truly belived himself to be a king, or maybe even a God, so much so, that I could feel his power and authority even before he hooved into my line of site over where I lay.

"I am truly, truly excited to see you awake dear one. We have been waiting so long for you to recover- and let me say with much remorse how very sorry I am for your injuries... sometimes children, especially vampire children, just do not know their own strength." He was so soft spoken and yet so full of authority that even though I knew he was telling me a cold blooded lie I suddenly felt at ease.

It was only when Aro stood back from my bed slightly did I notice he had not come alone. Standing behind him where Caius, Marcus, and another massive unknown man.

"Felix please- take care of our guest. I am sure she would love to get those awful tubes out of her now, she seems perfectly capable of breathing on her own. Be very gental now, and also-," he paused looking towards the door, "Jane hurry up with that water already, I am growing very tired of you."

_Felix, the big guy is Felix love. Lets hope he is as gentle a bear as Emmett. _

I wouldn't of called his handling of me gentle by any means, but he didn't seem to actually want to hurt me. His eyes, though blazing red like the others, did not hold either hate or curiosity, but a faint spark of something lighter_: _humor, or perhaps lust? To me, he felt like an odd combination of all the Cullen men, big like Emmett, mysterious like Jasper, knowledgeable like Carlise, even holding a slight trace of my Edward's charm and dazzle. Then again, I could just of taking a liking to him because he was the one to finally free me from the God awful tubes.

As he carefully withdrew them he used one hand to massage my throat causing me to gag even more uncontrollably. It hurt every muscle in my body and my throat felt like it had been washed with a sandpaper rag, but I think the gagging proved helpful at extracting the plastic tubes. My first breath of air felt intoxicating, laced with the sweet aroma from all the beautiful vampires around me, so I sucked in all that my lungs could take in one big gulp. My second breath brought forth an unstoppable conniption of hacking and croaking,

"Here drink this doll face" Felix urged, pressing a goblet of water against my chapped lips. I tried to swallow as much of the luke warm liquid as I could, but most of it dribbled out the corners of my mouth, down my chin, and onto the front of my shirt.

_My shirt? _I thought with alarm as I remembered how Edward had told me to take it off. I wondered how many people had seen me in that state. Sitting up, I started to take a blurry inventory of myself and was shocked to find that someone had dressed me in the very dress I had purchased for Alice. My shocked expression must have registered with Felix, whom was still standing directly in front of me, as he smiled sadly at the shiny material of my dress. "It is a shame about your face" he whispered, " I can tell that you must have been magnificent, full of great style and grace." As offensive as his statement was, I could feel genuine concern behind it and I wanted to thank him. My mouth did not though. I tried open it fully, tried to speak even just one word, but the pain that resulted was all consuming and I just laid back down and pleaded at Felix with my eyes for help.

"Oh poor child" Aro sighed, nodding Felix away from the bed. Felix. "We were forced to drill some screws into your jaw...it was unfortunate, but it was the only way to it healed correctly. But," he clapped his hands with enthusiasm, "You shouldn't worry, Felix here is something of a jack of all trades- its why we keep him around even despite his lack of, of... well, uniqueness." Felix flinched, at his words but didn't seem surprised by the insult.

"You, though dear one- you are extremely unique, and I think it is time to find out just how far that goes." He was oddly excited, clearly restraining himself like as if he was a little kid trying to sit through a Christmas service properly before being allowed to open their gifts. The lack of composure didn't suite his king like aura whatsoever and I couldn't understand what could be so exciting about me anyway.

_I don't like this Bella... _ Edward was agitated and rightly so, this was worrisome and there was nothing I could do about it but sit and await whatever Aro was talking about.

"Now, I heard from my dear distraught daughter, that her powers were unable to affect you. And that... that is so very intriguing. I also heard from her that you seem to know quite a lot about my wonderful family here... I am so, so very curious to learn how that came to be." He glided over to my side and reached his hand towards my face.

"_I will rip your fingers off if you touch her!" _Poor Edward was really having a time with all of this and his shrieking caused me to flinch back knocking my head quite hard against the board.

"Oh, dear child... do not worry, I shall only touch a comforting hand upon you. I just... wish to see something..." He lightly clasped the side of my face, his large hand covered the majority of it. With eyes closed, he scrunched his face into a strange deep sort of concentration and I held my breath in anticipations of whatever he planned on inflicting upon me. Minutes passed by and I still felt nothing except for the cooling touch of his hand, which was oddly pleasant. Soon after Aro released me, his face burst into smile as he turned to the rest of the room, "absolutely amazing he clapped his hands in joy."

In my head Edward began to pull at his own hair in frustration. He was pacing around and around Aro emmitting that low possessive growl of his. It was quite distracting.

"Well, father do enlighten us," Jane chided in. "What have you learned, who is she, and more importantly, which vampire do I get to go kill for you?"

Aro just chuckled at the woman and shook his head. "Sorry little one, I could see absolutely nothing from her... total darkness, such a …. such an impressive power she has." Marcus and Caius shifted uncomfortably at this news, they hadn't said or moved an inch since there arrival.

"Well, as interesting as this all is, I think we have let it go on long enough. We have rules for a reason Aro..." Caius sternly stated.

"Yes, I do agree Aro." Marcus stepped forward. " It is time to end this human we have wasted so much on her already and we cannot allow a human to exist once they know of kind. It is too dangerous."

"No, this... this girl is too astounding to simply drink away." Aro stated with much authority. "Besides, we must concern ourselves more with who has shown her our world. She is no threat to us here now is she? But they, whom ever they are, are the real real trouble."

"Yes, I supposed you are right, but if you cannot see her mind then we may never get our answers."

"Oh ye of little faith dear brother, there are many ways to go about getting something that you want. We will start with the simplest of options of course, and then go from there." He turned to Felix and spoke in a tone too low for my ears to pick up. Felix flashed away and returned a second later with a pen and piece of parchment. Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "Ok child, lets get some answers- lets start with an easy one. What dear thing, what is your name." Felix handed me the pen and held the parchment up for me to answer.

_"lie love, lie." _Edward's tone was so static and serious I didn't even consider disobeying him. With a shaky sore hand I scribbled down the first name that popped into my head, _Catherine _my favorite character from my favorite book, _Wuthering Heights. _Edward flashed me his brilliant smile and nodded at me.

Aro smiled, "Catherine, Catherine, Cathy, Cat...yes Cat it does fit you dear." Jane was not happy about Aro taking such a liking to me, and she hissed loudly to make sure everyone else was aware of it. But Aro ignored her, and continued on beaming down at me. "Ok my dear Cat, now tell me the name of who told you about us, how did you come to be here sweet girl."

His question stopped my heart. There was no way I would ever give my family to him, especially after hearing Jane, Aro, and Caius, talk of rules and punishment. But this was a question I couldn't just lie my way out of, I would have to just stand my ground here.

"_NO!"_ Edward barked at me in anguish. "_Just tell them, tell them my name. I can take care of myself and I... I can be there for real to get you if you do this. Tell them Bella! Tell them EDWARD CULLEN." _

I grasped the pen tightly and scratched the word _never_ onto the paper.

"Tisk tisk tisk" Aro sighed in disappointment. "Then why, why dear Cathy, why are you hear. Did you just simply have a death wish, because...I imagine there a whole lot easier of ways for a human to kill themselves."

At last, a question I could answer honestly and without turning to Edward I wrote in large bold letters: **MAKE ME LIKE YOU**.

Aro's smile returned. "Oh, now that would be fantasying wouldn't it? I do say, with the strength of your power now... as a vampire... why you would be... "

"Don't get ahead of yourself there brother" Caius interjected. "She is not exactly a willing servant to the Voltaire now is she? Already she refuses your requests..."

"Training brother, don't forget about training. And I, I will get my answers before I give anything in return that shouldn't be a worry of yours."

"But master," Felix questioned, "We already have one human pet, and her training is almost complete." He must have been talking about Gianna the woman from the gift shop.

"She is but a pretty face Felix, I know you are fond of her but really, she is more suited for supper then for serving our great causes... you may finish her if you like, otherwise, I will let Jane have her fun." Aro was growing tired of having his decisions questioned. "This is what I want, I am willing to take whatever time is needed with this little Kitty... she is but a human, we will break her eventually. Break her, and then train her, and then make her."

Aro was going to kill the poor woman, kill her and replace her with me and I was going to let him. I was soon to be a murder. _"Stop it love, you must not think this way. Your only job here is to keep yourself alive, it is a hard enough job you cannot help her and she knew what she was getting into." _He was right she did know what had gotten herself into, just as I knew it too. I only hoped I was strong enough to endure without giving away my family.


	22. May

MAY

* * *

I would expect Italy is into the full swing of a stifling hot and terribly romantic Tuscan summer by now. But here in my new home, deep underneath the castle of Volturi, I am always cold; accept for when they are burning me, of course. Fire, such a curious restless creature it is. If kept at the right distant from you, fire can appear comforting and warm, drawing you in until you suddenly find yourself searing away in agony. This was Jane's weapon of choice and it fitted her personality well. She once told me,in the sweetest child like voice, that fire was best for me because it came slightly close to the feeling her power should of inflicted. Then she smiled excitedly and burned my cheek, as if she was presenting me with a birthday gift. Before meeting Jane I had never thought I was capable of fully and completely hating someone, but, thanks to her, I now know the bitter taste of it.

And, surprisingly enough, hate has turned out to be quite a great coping mechanism. Love may be what brought me here, what motivated me to leave everyone and everything behind, what allows me to maintain some shred of hope; but hate is what actually gets me through my sessions with Jane. No matter how much pain she puts me through, I will never give her the satisfaction of winning. She may kill me one day, but she will do so out of defeat. It is not my life she is after, it is my mind she craves, wanting only to pry the Cullen name from my lips. But I am proud to say that I, Bella Swan, am much stronger then I thought I could ever be.

Through it all, Edward has never once left my side. But I am sadden to say he no longer speaks to me. At first, he did nothing but talk, yell, and scream all day long, urging me to give him up. He even schemed other ways for me to satisfy Jane and Aro, devising detailed lies of fake Vampires who could of told me of their kind. There were times when it was so very hard not to give into his desperate pleas, I even came close to dropping James and Victoria's name at one point. But, in the end, I knew none of those choices would be wise. Not only was I an innately awful liar, but if they did go after Victoria she would surely lead them straight to the Cullens.

Once my imaginary Edward realized swaying me was hopeless, he completely shut himself down. I could now only see him standing beside me day in and out in silent misery. In some ways this is better, easier on me, but in others it almost as torturous as the fire. Without his company it is hard to tell the passing of time because the only thing that ever breaks up the monotony of silence is my painful sessions with the sadist siblings. One day seems to inevitably blur into another without notice and I fear soon enough I will wake up an old scarred woman. At least for right now I am do know it is sometime during the month of May. That tiny shred of awareness was gifted to me accidentally from Felix, someone I am now inclined to call friend. In a situation such as this you take a friendship however you can get it.

Felix is my appointed guard dog. It is his job to make sure that Jane and Alec don't go overboard, since Aro still wishes to keep me alive. He is not particularly happy with this appointment because he is still quite raw about the fate I sealed for Gianna. But still I can tell he does not wish to see me in pain either. All in all, Felix is a decent being, who would watch my torture in disarray, allowing it to go as far as possible before raising the red flag. He would then use his medical knowledge to heal me up well enough to withstand the next onslaught. I hardly ever spoke to him though because he just seemed so desperate to keep himself from getting attached to me, but that didn't stop me from getting attached to him, the man who always made the pain stop.

The day, or night, or what ever it was when Felix scolded me and informed me of the date was a particularity rough one. Jane had seemed to be extra ornery, jumping straight away into placing burning hot rocks upon my arm. She had taken to arranging them into tiny crucifixes, finding some strange ironic humor in scarring me with the very symbol meant to kill her. But she had placed far to many on a one time and had caused my blood pressure to rise alarmingly fast. I still refused to respond to her questioning in anyway, rather opting to stare pleading daggers into Felix's eyes. Unfortunately, Jane's weening patience's finally gave out, and before I knew what was happening she had ripped up a piece of the stone wall and moved to bash it against me head. If she had hit me directly I would of died instantly. It would have been quick and painless. But Felix intervened, and she only painfully grazed my face, knocking me out temporally.

When I came too she was gone and Felix hoovering uncomfortably close to my face, a never before fury burning in his dull red eyes. "You stupid woman, how long do you think this can last? For God sakes it is already May!- Listen to the crowd of humans out there. They are all enjoying their Calendimaggi holiday, eating, drinking... just fucking living! And here you are, you eat from a needle stuck in your arm!" He flayed his arm about violently, before cracking each of his knuckles in frustration and whispering, "eventually Aro will grow tired of letting Jane have her fun... he will just end you like Gianna, or pump you full of drugs until you talk...besides who ever you are protecting clearly doesn't give a damn about you anyway... otherwise you would never of been able to get here."

It was the most he had ever spoken to me, and even though the words were tossed at me in pure frustration and anger they breathed some life back into my soul. Not everyone in this place wished to see me die, not everyone enjoyed my pain. I felt increasingly bad for Felix having to suffer with me, but there was nothing I could do about it, but to offer him a pitifully scribbled apology, which he rightfully shred to pieces in disgust. That must have happened over a week ago, and Jane has not returned to my room since, nor has Felix uttered so much as a sigh my way. He just sits in the corner, oddly enough, right next to my Edward, watching me. Occasionally, he would move to change an IV or alter a machine of mine but that is about it.

With the sudden reprieve I had been given my body was slowing begging to heal, which was both a blessing and curse because I figured that soon enough I would be deemed strong enough to face another visit with either Jane or Alec. She would most likely be harboring some serious aggression if, as I suspected was the case, she had been reprimanded for the last session. And, I couldn't count on Felix to come to my rescue again, he had done enough for me already and was rightly fully still fuming at me. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't understand why I was being so stubborn to him I was just asking for Jane to put an end to my life, and in a way, I guess he was right.

At that thought, my Edward shuddered in the corner of the room, he was becoming such a ghost of the Edward I knew, his body atrophied and old looking, his eyes pitch black with sorrow. It was shameful, I could only picture him in starved shambles now even though all I have ever wanted was for him to be happy and healthy. I almost wished I didn't have to picture him at all anymore, but I still needed him, in whatever way I could get. _I am so sorry love_, I thought in earnest. He smiled and rose to come by my side, and I thought, for the briefest of seconds, that I may get to hear his sweet voice one more time. But instead, I heard the familiar sinister snarl of Jane.

"Have you enjoyed your vacation Cathy?" She had seemed to apparit right out of thin air and was now standing where Edward had once stood, her blood red eyes looking particularly vibrant today.

All the hairs on my body stood up at the sight of her, I wasn't ready for another session. I quickly caste my eyes down to the floor, searching for Edward, the one thing I could focus on throughout her torment. But Felix's foot caught my interest before I could find Edward, it was twitching in annoyance, a strange reaction for a vampire.

"Awwwh, you don't seem happy to see me," Jane said in mock anguish. "And I thought we were becoming such good friends."

"Just get on with it Jane" Felix grunted in exhaustion. "She won't be able to take as much as normal, this is completely pointless, she is not going to break."

"Oh, ye of little faith" Alec said as he entered the room slowly. "They always break. You are just jealous that you never get to be the one to have all the fun." Alec was holding a strange bubbling goblet and an even stranger satisfied smile. He walked over to Jane and kissed her swifty on the cheedk, "I come bearing gifts for your sister."

"I should expect so dear brother, but really, this is a gift for our dear miss Cathy." _This was not going to be good. _"See there Cathy, I figured you must be very thirsty... and probably a little bit inpatient with all this tiresome fire play of mine." She smiled and took a deep whiff of the goblet. "And, as your humble host, I would never want you be suffer unnecessarily, so I thought, I should try and change things up a bit... You see, Cathy dear, there are other ways to make a person burn... funner ways."

As she walked back towards me, I got my first dreadful whiff of the glass. _Bleach. Bleach and something else, but definitely bleach. _ In a flash Edward was back by my side again, silently pulling his hair in nervous frustration. _Please let me be strong enough for him_ I pleaded to myself. Jane leaned down to whisper in my ear, "Now, this may hurt a little bit" she giggled before prying my mouth open. The movement was shockingly painful as my jaw still held some pins inside it and I was disappointed to discover that with my mouth now locked open my cries of pain would no longer be muffled.

My horse screams echoed off the wall of the vault, causing Alec to burst out in a fit of laughter. "Honestly, just tell her what we want to know what is the part of all these dramatics, though they are so very entertaining."

"Shhhh, I am working now brother." Jane scolded before turning her attention back towards me. I had finally gained some control over my screams, reduced only to soft whimpering now. "looks like we solved the problem of you not being able to speak dear Cathy. Now, there is no reason at all for you not to tell me what I need to know, who are your vampire friends dear one?"

By this point, blood had begun to pool inside my mouth from the gashes the broken screws had caused. But I couldn't decided if spitting it in her face would be worth it or not. Yes, it would probably cause her to kill me at last, but would it give her too much pleasure in the process? _ Probably._ So, I slowed the warm liquid as best I could be croaking out her "Never."

"oh well, more fun for me" she sighed before slowly spilling out a drop from goblet above my head. I closed my eyes and awaited the onslaught. I heard the sizzling of my skin and smelt its strangely sweet burning before any of the pain ever registered. But once the pain did set in, there was little else I could focus on, not even my hallowing screams.

_Two drops, three drops, four drops, five._ Jane was relentless, hardly pausing between spills to give me a chance to confide in her._ Not that I ever would_. Soon enough, my entire body felt like one raw nerve ending, and Jane's glass was drained dry. I was shaking uncontrollably, feeling oddly cold, but somehow, I had made it through and a slight smile twitched at the corner of my lips. It did not go unnoticed.

"Oh, I am so happy to have pleased you guest." Jane said in disgust. "I will be more then happy to over you a second helping of this tasty refreshment too," she added quietly. Alec was quick to oblige his sister, swooping in with another full glass of torture. Taking the glass, she turned to me and smiled "now, pretty girl why don't you open up and say ah for me."

"_Noooooo!"_ Edward screamed breaking his silent vigil. "_Fight her Bella, close your mouth...not a drop gets in, do you hear me sweet girl, not one damn drop." _ If he was back to talking to me then this was probably be the end and a part of me was ok with that. So, I decided, I would just open my mouth, close my eyes, and hope it would be fast.

_Edward I'm sorry, I love you but it is time now. _

But again, I was wrong. Instead of the final burn I was expecting, all I felt was the cool caresse of a hard hand. It was accompanied by the harsh command for me to "close my damn mouth." For a second I thought it was Edward, but of course it was only Felix there to do his job of keeping me alive. He had tossed aside Jane, causing her to drop the entire glass onto the stone floor.

"Please" I begged him.

"No, you won't be dying on my watch, no matter how much you want to" He gruffly said to me, before turning to face a very irate Jane. I could not understand why Felix would protect me so completely, Jane was a very dangerous creature and I was nothing to him.

"I've had about enough of you Felix, if you won't let me do my job then I will have to punish you too." Felix didn't respond to her heckling, he merely set his jaw tight and flexed his muscles in anticaption. Jane smiled, and whispered on simple word that sent Felix crashing down to the floor. She said, "pain."

He didn't scream, though it seemed like he was trying to but couldn't quite get it out. His eyes were bulging out of his head, his muscles twitching uncontrollably as he withered around on the floor like a fish out of water with his mouth opening and closing helplessly. And it was all because of me, this nice man was in a state of pure agony because he felt some stupid need to defend me.

This had to stop. I had to make this stop. He didn't deserve any of this, and I couldn't imagine how anyone would be able to last much longer through such gruesome pain. "Please, please stop...just stop Jane, you have to stop, it is not his fault." But Jane was in her element, and full of uphoria, she couldn't hear a word I was saying. She didn't even hear Alec telling her to slow down a little. All she could see was Felix. And when Felix finally broke out into blood curdling screams Jane only seemed to be encouraged more.

_Look at yourself Bella, look at all the destruction you cause. _My mind was exploding in pain from the noise of Felix's cries. _Edward, Edward tell me what to do, I have to help him. _ With each new scream he emitted I could feel my heart breaking. But the pain wasn't just inside my heart, it was my in my head too, deep inside my brain. Soon, I could barley make out Felix screams over the throbbing ringing in my ears, and I wondered if perhaps Jane's power had finally weaseled its way into my body too. But the pain wasn't from her, it was from within myself, a strange force trying to fight its way free.

I couldn't understand what was happening to me, all I knew is that I needed to let whatever it was pounding on my skull out. But I had no idea how to do that and the pressure inside was building rapidly, causing hot blood to trickle out of my ears and nose. _Relax love, _Edward chanted to me. _Slowly let it go, ease it out, you have to release the pressure, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. _I did as he asked, and the relief was immediate and shocking. The pressure dissipated enough for me to refocus on my surroundings, and I was surprised to see that Felix was no longer in agony. Instead, I found his eyes locked tightly onto mine in utter awe and surprise.

"Ahhhhhh... why!, Why, why why why!" Jane screeched at the top of her lungs. "I did not stop yet, why is he not hurting anyone. What is happening to me!" She twirled around to look at her ashen faced brother, asking him if "he has tired his yet." He simply nodded in frustration. He had tried and his power would not work on Felix either. "Unbelievable" Jane wailed before storming out of the room with Alec at her heels.

As soon as they were gone sweet relief surged throughout my body. I had no idea what had just happened, all I knew was that the threat was gone and Felix was no longer hurting. But as soon as that thought crossed through my head, I was suddenly hit with an incomprehensible force. Whatever I had thrown out of myself was now painfully snapping back into place and it hurt more going in then it did coming out. I screamed out from the pain of it, hoping Felix would be able to help me somehow. He didn't hesitate to rush to my side with confusion written all over his face. "Bella?" he whispered into my ear, "Bella I am going to make you sleep now, thank you for helping me." _Did he just call me... _


	23. May pt 2

Waking up in a foggy haze is starting to become a second nature to me. No longer does it fill my stomach with butterflies or set my heart racing, nor do I find myself in a panic to try and remember what had just happened to me. Whatever it was it was horrible and I learned very quickly that sometimes remembering held no positive effect. Instead,I now only find myself rather frustrated by the fact that I woke up at all, because waking up usually just leads to more trauma and pain. And to think I use to dread going to sleep, fearing what my dark dreams may have had in-store for me.

This time around I did not even have to wait for the inevitable return of pain , it was pain that jolted me awake. A sharp pulsating pang which prevented me from wanting to open my eyes. But it did not stop me from hissing quietly, an action that would surely alert whichever vampire that was in my vicinity.

"Bella? Bella I know you have awoken now, I reduced your sedative because we really need to talk." The voice was gruff and tired but not menacing. For a second I thought it was my Edward because of his soft beckoning of my name, but the voice was too deep to be my loves. It surely had to be Felix, _Felix saying my name? __"_Bella we don't have much time... open your eyes I need to examine you anyway."

_No please no, how could this have happened? How could I have failed at the only thing I have ever cared about doing? _The pain suddenly didn't feel adequate anymore, I deserved much worse for having betrayed my family. _Oh Edward, Edward I am so sorry. I don't know what all they know now, I am so so sorry. _ I wanted to see my loves face so desperately but he was no where to be found, all I could see was endless darkness speckled by sharp flashing colors of light. I pressed my eyes closed even tighter causing more and more purple and red stars to appear, but no matter how hard I squeezed Edward would not appear. And Felix would not disappear either.

"Bella, come on now. I know it hurts and I will give you more pain medication but you have to open your eyes for me." Felix's icy thumb brushed across the creases on my forehead attempting to kneed them out. I didn't wish to ever acknowledge my conciseness again but I also needed to get him to stop calling me that awful name. So, with much hesitation, I opened my eyes, meeting a pair of pitch black ones.

"Please stop saying that, I don't why you keep saying..."

"Enough stubbornness Bella I am willing to help you so let me."

"Cathy needs no help at all, unless you are willing to either bite me or end me then I don't think we have anything else to talk about."

"Bella, what would Edward say if he saw you like this? What do you think this will do to him when he finds out what has become of you?... I know Edward Cullen very well and he would be tortured to his core to know that any human came to harm for his sake, let alone a human who he so clearly loves."

_I am finished_. "How...how.. how do you know. Who else knows, please..." I could barley form coherent words as I tried to choke down the sobs that were building in my gut.

"You, you Bella showed me the truth and I want to help you just as you wanted to help me."

"I... don't... under-stand, this is not fair." Even to my own ears I knew I sounded like a foolish five year old now but that is exactly how I felt.

"Of course you don't silly girl, I hardly understand myself. But what it boils down to is that you, Bella... Swan, am I correct?... You Bella Swan are very exceptional." I winced at his most preponderance testament but he choose to ignore my gesture and continued on. " Just think of it, a shield so strong that she can affect vampires as a human. It is... well it is completely unbelievable but, alas, I have seen it with my own two eyes."

"Wait, what?" _Edward what is he saying, I need you._

"And..." Felix continued on as if I he was talking only to himself.."the fact that you even cared about me at all... me a vampire... and you... you cared so much that you were able to manifest your innate power. I mean, you you are human and you used you were able to shield not only yourself but me too... but, it was a foolish thing to do..."

I was growing tired of his nonsensical musings, all they were doing was flustering me even more so then I already was. I needed him to speak to me, to give me some direct answers otherwise I thought my heart might explode right there on the spot. _ But you need to stay alive until you make sure the Cullens are safe_ I urged myself desperately. _Edward, Edward where are you?_

I was quickly working myself into a first class frenzy, and Felix was too lost inside his own wonderment to take notice. "Sta sta stop" I uttered as best I could to him. "I need you to start over, to tell, tell me what the hell happened... wha... what exactly happened... Felix please..."

As soon as his name passed through my lips Felix halted his hammering and took to quietly staring a me once again with those pitch black eyes. _ Why is he starving?_ He offered me a sad smile and tried to pacify my shutters by rubbing the back of his hard hand up and down my arm. "I am sorry Bella, I have had quite a while to process everything and even still it perplexs me. I should of done a better job at explaining things to you." His speech was no longer full of excitement, instead it was deliberate, slow, and soothing. "And, first I should of said thank you. So, thank you Bella, thank you for risking your own life to shield me from Jane's nonsense." His hand came to a rest on top of my own and then after his thank yous he set into explaining it all to me as slowly as possible.

"When Jane was attacking me Bella... you, you were sad for me and you wanted to protect me... to make her stop. You wanted that so badly that your power, which is clear to me now, manifested to wrap around me. When that happened, I was able to share thoughts with you because, essentially, I was inside your head. And what a strange little head that is," he mused. "But, I digress too much I want to be as clear to you as possible... When I say your power you probably have no idea what I am talking about, right? Bella, you are a natural born shield. You have the ability to protect your mind from any outside power, this is why Edward and Aro cannot read your mind, this is why Jane cannot hurt you, or Chelsea sway you...And, your shield is so strong, it can actually shield other people as well."

He paused here to let it all sink into my head, a head that was progressively throbbing worse and worse. "So, I let you inside my mind and at the same time stopped Jane from hurting you?"

"Yes, Bella that is exactly what you did.."

"Stop calling me Bella... unless... unless you have told already.."

"Oh, you shame me to even ask such things. Look at my eyes, pitch black are they not? I have not left your side in days just to make sure no one found your secrets out before I discussed this with you." His mouth twitched in pure annoyance at my foolish comment.

"Why can't you leave, and.. and how are you keeping everyone out?"

"Now, Bella, now you are asking the smart questions. I can see why Cullen love you." His tone reignited a sense of dread inside of me, things were bound to get much more complicated it seemed. I wanted to find out exactly what all he saw, wanted to know for sure who and what he knew, but I could tell there were actually more pressing matters at hand.

"So, answer them then please" I stated with as much strength as I could muster.

"To keep it short, I am here because as soon as I come in contact with Aro he will know everything I know. And Jane and Alec are not back yet because I have not told them you are recovered enough, and because they are still nursing their wounded ego I am sure."

"Oh, well, thank you for suffering for me. I... I know it must be hard to be here and be hungry... what are we going to do about this. Can I, can I just block you always?"

"ha ha ha" Felix laughed in surprise. "Are you sure you are human, and not a saint.. do not worry about me I am a big boy. And- no listen closely to me- you are not to ever try to use your shield ever again... at least not if you are human."

"No, it is the only way. Aro cannot ever know of the Cullens... tell me how to do it."

Felix grabbed either side of my bandaged head until my scared eyes settled down to completely focus on his, "I don't know how you do it, all I know is that your human mind cannot take the stress of it. Last time it almost killed you, next time you may hemeriage and that would be the end of it."

"So?" My lip quivered as I bit down hard on it.

"So?" Felix repeated sadly... "So, if you die then I won't be shielded anymore and your Edward will be discovered... discovered by a very angry Aro. He would not be happy to lose someone with so much potential as you have..."

_Trapped. Stuck. I'm trapped Edward! Edward where the hell are you? _My head was spinning in hysteria but outside I was appeared oddly composed. "Well, then what."

"Well, isn't it obvious? We shall send for your family, and for... for your little doggie friends too."


	24. may pt 3

Felix has proven himself to be insufferably stubborn, even more so then Edward. I have no doubt though that he is feeling the same in regards to myself. For what I can only imagine has been a couple of days now, the two of us have been stuck in a stale mate. A battle of the wills, patient-ancient vampire versus, passionate-persistent human. He was relentless in his desire to send out for help, and I was hell bent against any such happenings. Of course, I knew we only had so much time to spare before we absolutely had to come to a decision, that fact was constantly reiterated to me by Felix's ever darkening eyes. As much as I hated to admit it, we could only sequester ourselves for so long before suspicions would arise. Jane was bound to get board sooner or later.

It did not help matters that my Edward had come roaring back to me full of a new found hope and vitality. His voice now constantly booming in my ear, urging me to cave into Felix's wishes at once. It seemed, I was now up against not one but two handsome vampires, I really stood no chance at all.

"Bella, the only way to save the Cullen's is to inform them, I just don't understand why you don't see that yet." Felix said from across the room. He had taken up residence as far away from as possible as of late, probably because of his ever growing hunger. It was quite frankly nothing short of amazing how he has been able to resist me all this time.

"Well, you could just kill me and then run away from the Volturi before Aro touched you.." I had a whole arsenal of these witty comments to throw back him.

"Oh really? I have been a member of the Volturi for centuries. Do you think they will just let me go if I betray them and kill one of Aro's possessions. They wouldn't even let me go if I hadn't done a thing and just wanted to leave. Hell, I can't even take an unsanctioned vacation Bella. I am as much of a prisoner here as you are."

"Your, fa... fast and strong. You could get away, you could..."

"Possibly I could. But then what? Am I to live a nomadic life alone forever? They will find me one day, even if it is a hundred years from now. Volturi does not forget. And when they do they will know and they will seek revenge from you precious family." He wringer his hands together in frustration before continuing on. "Or, imagine if it is Edward himself that I encounter one day... and he reads my mind..."

_"Stop this love" _Edward pleaded with me. _"Listen to this man, how would I feel to find out you had basically offed yourself to save me from an inevitable fight. And I will have to kill Felix for letting it happen." _The Edward in my mind didn't seem to hold any hard feelings for Felix, he was simply stating a fact. Real Edward will kill my friend in almost every possible outcome I had been able to come up with, accept for the outcomes where Felix was already dead.

It was all so desperately hopeless and there was not a moment that went by where I didn't curse myself for having lost control over this supposed power of mine. Felix was right, as much as I hated to admit it, we were both in need of outside help. But even so, I honestly had no idea how to find my family, if I had then I would of never come here in the first place.

"This is also so futile, I have no idea how to find them." I said as silent tears began to fall down my face. I was crying for the loss of my resolve, something I had once been so proud of.

"All you have to do Bella is tell me how to fetch the dogs, I am sure your Cullen's won't be far behind them."

"No, they will never come back home. They are no where near the pack."

"tisk tisk tisk... always underestimating Bella, especially when it comes to yourself. Does not your family and friends think you are dead by now, or at least missing? If that is so, then he knows- why I am actually surprised- between him and Alice- I can't believe they have not found you yet."

Even though I could not remember the last time I had consumed real food, inexplicable bile began to climb up my burning throat. Everything had suddenly become all to real for me. I could hear Felix still rambling off different theories on the matter, mainly musing that if Alice had seen me I would have been unrecognizable because of my injuries but his voice seemed like a quiet mummer compared to Edward's screaming. "_I am home, I am home." _

"Forks." I said cutting through Felix's stammering on about the suicidal tendency of mated vampires.

"Forks, Washington. Specifically Sam...no no Jacob Black." I scribbled the address down as fast as I could. "But... but keep my parents in the dark. Bella, Bella Swan is dead to them."

Felix was beaming. "I really just needed the dogs names Bella, thank you." He crumpled up my writing before setting it aflame. It was quite frustrating that I hadn't pulled them out of you when I was inside the beautiful brain of yours."

Once again I had no idea what he was talking about. "Well then, what is your plan Felix?"

"It is simple really. You see, it is almost June. You know... Edward's birthday. I am to do nothing out of the ordinary here. I shall just send your Edward a customary card, inviting him, his family, and his good friend Jacob Black to the castle for dinner... I'm sure their wonderful 'powers' and brilliant brains can help them to fill in the rest."

With that, I finally turned to the side and wretched out every last drop of stingy stomach acid my body could produce, which wasn't much at all. But it was enough to speckle the stone floor with bright flecks of yellow and orange. It looked oddly beautiful against the drab setting I had grown accustomed to. Felix quietly waited out my episode, before settling in to hash out the details of his plan with me. The plans were well thought out, though not fool prove. Luck was going to have to play a major role here. Luck and a whole lot of other unpleasantries on my part. Felix was no longer going to be able to protect me, he couldn't risk seeming too caring. I was going to have to put up with much more of Jane and Alec, but I really didn't care about that, I deserved any pain they could give out for having ruined everything and put my family and friends at risk once again.

* * *

After Felix sent out Edward's birthday card, things started happening so very fast. Jane and Alec's reappeared as if on cue almost, and this time Felix played his part well, telling them he was beyond tired of playing babysitter but still warning them of how displeased Aro would be if I died. With that warning though he would simply sit back and let Jane have her way with me, it was amazing how easily he could switch himself off and become as evil and uncaring as the rest of them. His freshly blazing red eyes did help matters for me either, I had to keep reminding myself that he was not the enemy.

To say that Jane was elated to have her little "Cathy doll" back would have been an understatement of epic portions. And she had seemed to become more creative with her tactics this time around, which wasn't exactly a good thing from my point of view. At least before I always knew what to expect, fire and burning of some sort. Now everyday was an unnerving mystery of pain and torture. Still, outside of the moment, I did not wish for the pain to stop because when it did that would mean my Edward was here. My Edward, my real Edward. The thought of our reunion both terrified and thrilled me these days. I had been through so much these past months, I knew I must look like a shadow of my old self, a self that had never been good enough for him in the first place.

"_Bella that is nonesense I love you, you know I love you" _My imaginary Edward, he was nothing if not consistent, which was so very comforting now that it was basically just him and I against Jane.

_ "I will be there soon and you will see love, you will see how wrong you are." _He was pacing around like he did on most days, antsy and frustrated over his lack of control on the situation.

I never talked back to my imaginary Edward anymore I just smiled at his persistence and took comfort in his words of encouragement during my sessions with Jane. If he was here then my mind was still strong enough to withstand her. It was when he disappeared that I knew I was in trouble.

_"_Good day Cathy" Jane strode into the chamber interrupting my quiet thoughts. She walked with such confidence and purpose ever so gracefully. "Lets get this over with, I actually have better things to be doing today."

I noticed Alec was not with her this time, and in her hand she held a strange looking contraption. But before I could get a clear fix on what the object was Jane turned her back to me to speak with Felix. "Father requires your presence in the great room, we have a part to plan for tonight and he thinks you could use a break away from the human... don't worry, I won't kill her... completely."

"It isn't me who would give a damn if you end Cathy sister dearest, if father pulled me away then I could care less what you do with it." Felix grunted before turning to leave. When he faced me though, his eyes locked onto mine and I could feel the sadness and worry raging inside. But I didn't care because all I had heard was that the castle had a party to throw. Edward's party. Jane could do what she wanted tonight with me because soon enough Edward would come and one way or another everything was going to change.


	25. june

**A/N: I apologizes for the delay in updates. It is shameful and there really is no good excuse for it. I hope you all can forgive me. And as always thank you so much to for the wonderful reviews and emails. I have gotten such support and so many great ideas and they are all very much appreciated. **

* * *

**JUNE**

* * *

It was amazing how quickly Felix was able transform after we had reached our decision. He immediately took leave to go feed, returning back to me a blood red eyed apathetic vampire. No longer did I have a savior in my corner and it took all my mind power to keep reminding myself that he was simply playing a part.

Jane took full advantage of the situation, floating into my chamber nearly seconds after Felix had returned, her face full of joy and determination.

"It was only a matter of time before Felix grew tired of his babysitting job, it took him a while though- I expect it was because he thought he may be able to become one of Aro's favorites... but well, that spot shall always be mine now won't it?"

Felix paid no attention to her, he merely buried his head into some book and shut out the entire situation. And Jane busied herself about the room as she spoke to me, paying little attention to the affect her words. An unusual happening for her as she most certainly loved to see my painful reactions. It was clear this time Jane was going to take another approach to her tactics. "I only wish he had let up a few days earlier dear Cathy, I would of loved to have some extra play time with you, now there simply isn't enough time for fun and games."

Her words made my imaginary Edward slump down onto the floor and begin to sob lightly. But they didn't scare or sadden me, they only enraged every fiber of my being. "Damn, and I was so looking forward to playing with you too Jane." I sneered back at her.

It was the first time I had ever sassed back to her, and it didn't go unnoticed. "Oh, my are we a chatty Cathy now?" Jane laughed, "I guess now you have no playmate so you want to make friends." She glided over to my side, "but sadly, I can't be friends with someone who doesn't trust me with all her secrets..."

We were locked into a staring contest each trying to silently communicate the deep level of hatred we held for each other. I was no match for her unblinking patient eyes, another magical talent of your average vampire. Once I blinked and looked away I could actually feel the smug look spreading across her deceivingly angelic face. "now that we have cleared that up, lets get on with our day shall we? The house is busy preparing for a party and I do not intend on missing any of the fun."

_"Did you hear that love," _Edwards head snapped up from its cower. "_ I will be there shortly so hold on for me, stall her as much as you can and when you can't stall anymore be strong- picture what I am going to do to her once I am there!" _ The information both thrilled and sickened me, causing my imagination to instantly take off on all the worst case seniors that could be coming. Images of Edward laying on a board similar to mine, withering in pain under Jane's powers, cracking into a million shards all over the marble floor of the castle began to invade my mind, sending my heart rate sky high.

"Awwwh, are you excited for the party?" Jane questioned. "Silly woman you are not invited of course, I mean look at you- father's are vegetarians and they would surely be disgusted by your Gorey state. "Besides, if my plan works out... well lets just see shall we, I have a new theory to test."

That is when I noticed Jane's hands were not empty. She had seemed to have materialize a rather large heavy looking battery. "You see" she smiled, "I have a theory about you..." She continued talking on as she connected two frayed copper wires to each of the batteries ports. "You seem to have an unusually powerful human brain, but that brain of yours is still human- which means it still runs on electric pules..." She paused here for dramatic effect no doubt, allowing the gravity of what she was saying to sink. When she saw the fear she had book look for creep into my eyes she continued on.

"Its brilliant isn't it? I'm only slightly embarrassed I did not think of this solution before. Theoretically all I have to do is interrupt that little noggin of yours and it should let me right in." She was bobbing up and down like a giddy child by this point now as she tapped the wires together making brilliant blue sparks burst out. "of course, I'm sure it will take some practice to get the voltage just right... but you know what they say practice makes perfect right." With that she attached the wires to either side of my head and began her play time.

The first shock was jolting but not necessary painful. It made my teeth grind together but the twitching of my neck and shoulder muscles actually felt somewhat pleasant. What was most disturbing though was what I saw with that first shock. A flicker, a flicker of my Edward. She had made him disappear for only a slight second, but disappear none the less. She had been right to think she should effect my brain with this, and I knew I was in big trouble. _Edward please get here soon. _I silently pleaded as I focused all my energy onto guarding the secrets inside my head.

By Jane's third jolt things were no longer physically tolerable for me, and Edward was fading in and out like a tv with bad reception. Over and over again she bombarded my body with shock after shock. My body convulsed in agony, my muscles clenching and realizing in freezing cold agony. I could feel it from my head to my toes and it was impossible to concentrate on anything. Not even the rancid smell of my burning temples could hold my attention for more then a second. This was a battle I would not be able to win, and Jane was well aware of this fact. Quietly she began to whisper her words of misery "pain" as she attempted to barge her way into my head.

"Please Jane, please have mercy." I begged her in between shocks. "I have nothing to tell you really, don't you think I would of talked long before it came to this?"

My tears were flowing freely now, saturating the wires, which only added to my misery. And after a few more shocks Edward had completely left me once again.

In desperation I cried out of Felix, pleading with him to do his job "Aro would be so angry with you, she is killing me, KILLING ME what will he say?" But Felix must of slipped out of the room sometime before because was no where to be found. I was left to face Jane and her mighty shocks all alone, and soon enough I would finally feel what she was truly capable of.

_Zap_ "Pain" Jane whispered her lips pressed into a thin line of determination.

_Zap, zap. _"Pain." My mind jumbled as the electricy sent it into haywire.

_Zaaaaa_"Pain"_aaaap._

"No, no more please." I whispered in exhaustion.

_Zaaa"_PAIN"_aaap. _"Pain, pain, pain." Jane hissed over and over again, her eyes boring into my skin so intently until I could almost feel their burning gaze. Until, at last, they power gained entrance into me and I could feel them, their intense fire immediately dulling the pain of the shocks and causing me to release the loudest more high pitch squeal I have ever heard.

_This is pain_ I thought, _this must be death. _ Nothing I had ever felt before could ever compare to what she was doing to me. My body remembered ever single discomfort I had ever felt in my life in that moment. I was horrible hot, and intolerably cold all at the same time, with the shooting pain of a thousand needles poking and prodding me from the inside out. And once my scream had run its course I realized that my body simply could not focus enough to take in another breath. Shaking and stuttering incoherently I tried with all my might to remember that this pain was not real, _but perhaps to a human's mind this was real enough_ I thought as felt a mounting pressure from deep within my brain.

But just before I was sure my head was about to pop clean off of my body, the pain miraculously stopped and I felt two small cold comforting hands upon each of my cheeks.

"Dear God Bella my daughter, how has it come to this?" the voice of a siren sang to me in anguish. "Breath slowly sweet girl, listen to me calm down," she urged. But I could not for the life of me find my bearings after enduring so much trauma. That is until I heard the scream of an angel from across the room.

* * *

**A/N:** **If anyone is interested in being a beta for me please send me an e-mail! thanks**


	26. June pt 2

A/N: Phew I have just discovered how hard it is to right up an action scene! But I had a wonderful time dreaming this up, and am super excited to start on the second half of this story now. And, yes, that half will be from our wonderful Edwards POV! I am also so happy that this next "book" will have an amazing Beta helping me along with it. I am sure SMARTCUTEFUNNYXD is going to make this next part much more organized and enjoyable for everyone. If you get a chance please go read some of her fabulous work too! And, as always, thank you so much for all the support, love and patience.

**JUNE pt two**

* * *

It was my Edward, my real Edward. It absolutely had to be him, no one else could ever simultaneously ignite such passion and panic inside of me. I felt his presence as soon as he entered the room, and he entered with such a bang , tossing Jane across the room with enough force to knock her clearly through the stone wall. She had been so engulfed in the success of gaining access to my head that she must have been taken completely of guard. Her startled scream was shriller then my own, but it was not one of pain, only pure frustration and anger.

But I couldn't concentrate on her, or on much of anything that was going on around me quite yet, all my senses were jumbled and blurry. I had no idea who all had barged into the room, I couldn't even tell who was softly stroking my face, all I knew was that he was here.

"I can hear her! She is conscious but in shock, she is overloading. Get her to focus on you-NOW!" my angel grunted. He sounded as if he was struggling with someone_. _The realization that he was probably in danger almost sent me over the edge.

"Bella dear, I need you to breath." The women frantically urged to me. She had positioned herself nose to nose with me now, her golden eyes blazing with fear. Her touch comforted me ever so slightly, just enough to allow my brain to begin to function once. It did so with a painful snap that reverberated throughout my whole body, as all my sense seem to be rebooted back to normal.

"Esme?" I asked even though I could clearly see her now.

"Yes darling girl, I'm here.. I'm here for you, we all are" she shushed me as she applied slightly more pressure to my head, forcing it stay still. She had climbed on top of my board, her legs straddled on either side of me and her face still completely blocking my view of the rest of the room. My view of him.

"Ed... Edward!" I screamed struggling against Esme's cold hard hands. "Let me go, please let me see!"

"No Bella, no just be still for me please. I don't want you to hurt yourself even more." Her voice was stern yet still loving, but I didn't have time to be compassionate with her.

"No, get the hell off of me!" I screamed with all my might. I could hear grunts and crashes coming from all around me. There was talking too, but most of it was at an inaudible level.

"Shhh, shhh shhh" Esme continued on with her incessant soothing.

I was growing desperate, thrashing about against her hands until her fingernails began to accidentally slice into my soft checks causing Esme's nostrils to flare at the smell of the freshly drawn blood.

"Edward..." she called softly, "this is not going to work, I have to let her up."

He didn't answer her, but Felix suddenly appeared at her side. "Yes, yes, we are not going to have much time anyway, no matter how charming you think your Alice is, she won't be able to distract the castle from all the commotion he's making, start unhooking her at once."

Instantly, Esme jumped off of me and began to gently disconnect all my machinery. I could now see all the was going on around me and it almost stopped my heart. Emmett was holding Jane down while Edward seemed to be slowly and painfully twisting her arm off. The sight of him was both stunning and terrifying. His eyes were nothing like the warm loving orbs I had dreamed off all these past months. They were pitch black and full of hate. It was clear he had every intention of drawing out Jane's demise as much as possible.

"Edward, there is no time for this." Felix commanded as he helped Esme with me. "End her fast and make an escape, we can't fight them all here."

But before Edward could respond a flash of light passed before my bed, knocking into Emmett forcefully. Alec had arrived to save his sister and I was sure everyone else would not be far behind him. I watched in horror as , Caius, Marcus and Dmitri all came barging in, with Alice, Rose, and Jasper following. I tried to scream, but nothing would come out this time, I was far too frightened for my family.

The fighting was fast, violent, and surprisingly quiet. There was no way my tired human eyes could make sense of it no matter how hard I tried to follow the flashing lights. Almost all of my Ivs had been taken out before they had entered, but my heart monitor was still attached and the rapid beeping of my speeding heart was all I could hear.

"Please, please please stop fighting over me." I sobbed to no one and everyone at the same time. But no one even acknowledged my cries. The minuets passed slowly by before finally the flashes of lights started to slowly morph back into shapes of people. My people. And they were all in the gripes of the volutri.

Edward was being held down by both Alec and Demitr, Alice by Caius, and Jasper by Marcus. Emmett, Rose, and Felix were no where to be found, and Esme seemed to be nursing an injury at the side of my bed.

"Edward, Edward please" I whispered so desperately that he finally turned his head to lock eyes with my own. I had expected to see fear and distress etched across his face, but there was nothing of the sort. Guilt was all that was written on his face, guilt and pure murderous rage. He said no words to me, only stared deeply into my broken eyes. We were trying to soak up as much of each other as we could before the end arrived.

"Well, well well, I think our mystery has been solved, with little help from you though dear Jane." Caius happily cheered rubbing his hand down the length of Alice's struggling arm. "Our little Cathy is clearly not who she says she is, but we all knew that anyway didn't we?"

"Where is Aro? I would like to get this over with, it has been going on for far too long." Alec said.

"Oh, well our friends the Cullens have thought long and hard about this mission of theirs. Aro is out visiting with his old friend Carlise. Alice here thought arranged it all, she is quite the party planner isn't she?" Caius chuckled. "But don't worry he will be back soon, and I'm sure we can find some fun things to do with our guests before he returns."

Caius's words and menacing touch sent Jasper into a fit, but didn't seem to bother Alice. She was too busy lost inside her own visions, no doubt trying to calculate out next best move. I already knew what that next move should be though, I had to convincing them to just take my life and let them go. This had been a vital mistake Felix and I made, a weak selfish mistake.

"Please don't hurt them. I am sorry I should of just told you. It is not their fault, they never told me about themselves, I just.. I Just snooped and snooped until I figured it out. They didn't want me, I wanted them. Please, please just kill me and let them go."

"BELLA love no!" Edward screamed at me. It was the first time he had directly spoken to me since he told me it would be like he had never existed.

"I'm sorry, so so sorry Edward. I shouldn't of called for you. I shouldn't of tried to follow you, tried to become like you. This is all my fault. I should of let you go like you wanted." I turned to plead with Marcus saying, "They only thing they did wrong was to have compassion for me when they found out I knew who they were. They couldn't bring themselves to kill me because they are not monsters like you, so please, please just do it for them and let them go. They have never, and will never tell humans about your kind. It is all my fault." My words brought forth a new set of sobs from Esme and a roaring round of chuckles from all the volturi.

"Bella, bella bella, I don't much like that name, Cathy suites you much better if you ask me." Jane snickered as she slowly walked circles around my Edward. "That was such a heartfelt, touching moment" she laughed. "Of course, it is all bullshit but at least it was entertaining. In fact, that right there was the most words we have been able to get out of this little one over the past few months. Granted that poor little jaw of hers was quite broken for most of that time..."

"I am going to kill you Jane even if it is the very last thing I ever do." Edward informed her between clenched teeth.

"Not just you" Jasper hissed, "We all want a piece of her. Darlin' I promise you we may not succeeded in getting away or in taking anyone else out. But this day, this very moment is surely your last ones."

Jane smiled sweetly before giving her reply, "Pain," which sent Jasper to floor screaming in agony. I knew what that felt like now and I could not have my family in that kind of pain. Jasper's screams pulled Alice out of her visions, and into a new-found struggle with her capture. And I began to try to figure out how to save him like I had done for Felix. Snapping and pulling at the force inside my head with everything I had. But the strain was unmanageable, I was just too tired, too broken, t_oo useless_.

"Jane" Marcus calmly stated, causing her to stop her torture instantly.

"Yes, master." She answered with a sickening innocents.

"A better warning next time before you do that to someone I am holding. Besides is he really the one you should be playing with right now?"

"I am sorry master, and you are right- there is another who would be much more effective and entertaining... the one who has started all this trouble in the first place..." Her voice trailed off as she turned her head towards my Edward. And my body erupted into hysterics.

"Pain."

I watched in horror as Alec released Edward, allowing him to collapse roughly onto the floor. His entire body tensed and twitched as his black eyes slowly began to bulge outside of his perfect face. I could even hear his teeth as they ground into one another, chipping and cracking like fragile china.

"Nooooooo, no no no no no" my screams echoed around the room. Edward stared at me as withered around in pain. Silent pain. He was somehow taking that her worst with out allowing so much as one tiny murmurer to pass his lips. I knew it was for me, he didn't want me to hear him scream, he would suffer more just to make me feel better.

"Arraaaggh" I tried to push my brain out to him, to cover him from her evil. Soon I could feel warm streams of blood trickling down all over my face.

"Oh my God!" screeched Alice we have to stop her.

"Wha whats happening" Esme cried out while Edward grunted what sounded like an attempt at my name.

"Shes, shes, shes trying to shield him with her mind. She won't be able to take it for long... its its going to kill her. BELLA do you hear me," Alice screamed, it will kill you!

I heard her alright, and I could feel Jaspers useless waves of calm bouncing off of me like flimsy rubber bands. But I did not care one bit, for now I could feel the strange force actually shifting outside of my head. It lurched and sloshed around sending my insides with it as it crept futher and futher away from me and towards Edward. As it moved it seemed as if my skin itself was being pulled taught from the tension, but it was no matter because I knew if I just pictured it clear enough, then I would be able to surround him, to save him. It was surprisingly easy to block out all the screaming of my family, especially when I was forced to close my eyes due to all the blood that seemed to continually be pour out of them. Inch by inch I willed myself to engulf my sweet man, until...

"Isabella Marie Swan let me out right now."

His voice sang to me. I had done it. I had made his pain stop. Waves of pride and joy fluttered across my battered body, fueled on even more by the tell tale sounds of a one very pissed of Jane in the middle of what I imagined was an epic temper tantrum. But I couldn't pay any attention to her perils or Edwards pleas, I needed to focus. _Focus, focus focus focus..._

"No love, focus on me. Listen to me. I am ok, I can handle Jane, please love trust me. It is not as painful to me as it is to you, her power... it is not going to really hurt me physically. I need you to let me go, do not shield me, do not shield anyone but yourself."

I did not have the power to speak to him, but it didn't matter because if he was in my bubble then he could probably hear my thoughts just as Felix could. _Edward, Edward I love you. I am so so sorry. I will protect you as long as I can... _

"No, no no love please."

_Carlise will bring Aro back soon, and then I will convince him to spare you. I am the only one who needs to pay here, I just have to hold on until they get here. _

_ "_God damn-it" Edwards voice shook the entire room. "Esme knock her out." I heard Esme mumble that she was not yet healed enough to move before Marcus's ugly voice bellowed out again.

"Jane enough with your antics. I am highly, highly impressed by this little human. I mean just look at this- lets keep testing her shall we?"

"Pain."

This time it was Alice, my best friend, my sister walling like a hog tied pig.

"You bitch, let her alone. Come back to me." Jasper drawled. His southern accent was amplaphied by his anxiety or Alice.

_Save her too, save them all. You love your family- they have always been there for you. Be there for them Bella. Bella move your mind..._

"Love, you cannot do this. You are not protecting anyone from anything, you are only hurting us- hurting us by hurting yourself. Please love I cannot take it."

I ignored him, zoning in to Alice's cries. _Alice, Alice, Alice... feel her, feel them all. _The more I thought of her and pictured how her tiny pixie face must look right now, contorted and tense, the faster I gained control over my shield. And with that control, I stretched it and stretched it, covering not only her but Jasper and Esme as well.

The added strain on me was considerable though, my body temperature dropped as my heart rate slowed down drastically. It was like the four of them were simply sucking the life out of me. I could still everyone yelling at me, but they all sounded so much further away, and their was now an impossibly annoying humming noise radiating throughout my head. I wasn't going to be able to hold on for Carlise. So I did the only thing I could think of, and I stretched my mind one more time to include both Caius and Marcus as well. Then I set about saying my goodbyes, with the hopes that they would see my point of this, and take pity of my family.

_I love you all, I am so sorry. I want you to fight to get out of this, just live and forget about me. Pretend I never exisisted just like I should of let you do... thank you all, the time I had with you gave me meaning. And, and Edward... I, I, I will always..I just wish I could feel you one last... I lov..._

_ "_Jake! Knock her out NOW!" I heard Edward scream as a piercing howl ripped through the room. And then suddenly my head snapped to black and the world went quiet.

* * *

End of Book One


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